1000 Ways to Kill France
by forever-sweet
Summary: Just as the title says, this was an idea formed from watching one too many episodes of 1000 Ways to Die. Yes, children this will get gory, that is why the rating is high. I would like to point out this is not to insult anyone from France or the country of France. I just dislike the character France/Francis. If you like the character France I would suggest not reading this...
1. Amerika poisons him with a taco

**Hello and welcome to,'1000 Ways to Kill France'. Just to get this out of the way, if you do not like this fanfiction please refrain from leaving stupid arse reviews. Such as: 'this is story is scary and unhealthly'. XD This is under **

**Past that, I really am not a mean person TT^TT I hope you all enjoy the fanfiction and please only constructive criticism, I try to improve.**

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**1. Amerika Poison's him with a taco.**

France wasn't quite sure what had possessed him to go to a American fast food restaurant. Maybe, it was because he had been promised a free meal, or perhaps it had something to do with the fact England would be joining him and America for the meal.

**In the Kitchen:**

America was pacing and waiting for England to show up so that they could put their awesome plan into action. Due to some heavy drinking last night the two of them had come up with the 'brilliant' idea of seeing how many different ways they could kill France. If you wanted to be technical about it, you couldn't actually kill a nation, but they did stay down for a little while before getting back up.

"Sorry, I am late. The traffic in your country is bloody awful!" England entered the kitchen through the back door carrying a camcorder and pouch of fairy dust (from his fairy friend for good luck). "Dude! I was waiting for, like, ten freaking minutes! France got here, like, five minutes ago! What took you so long to get here!?"

"Well, you would know why it took so long if your driving wasn't as awful as your peoples! You bloody wanker!"

"Whatever." America perked up when he heard the ding of a bell. England started slightly and looked at the oven behind him. "What was that?"

"The taco's done!"

"Is this really the time for food America!?"

"Dude! It's not for me! Just turn on the camera!" England rolled his eyes and flipped the on switch on the side of the camera and hit the record button.

America grinned at the camera and grabbed some oven mitts. "Way #1 to kill France! We're going to poison him with a taco!" As he said the words he pulled out an ordinary looking taco from the oven and put it on a plate. Hurriedly he gave the waiter, the plate and they both watched as he took it out to France's table. "This taco is mostly horrifying because it contains an old scone that I found in the back of Iggy's fridge, that thing seriously looked a thousand years old!" England swatted America on the shoulder exclaiming that those were made two days ago. The camera got a nice view of the floor it swung back around to the table where France was staring at his food before picking it up and taking a bite out of it carefully, as if it would bite him if he held it wrong.

As soon as the Frog swallowed it his eyes widened dramatically and he fell over dead. There was screaming in the restaurant before the film was cut off.

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**Reviews are very much liked and make me happy~! I hope everyone enjoyed this first chapter and will tune in for the next chapter~!  
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	2. He gets shot with a cannon into space

**Hello Children and welcome back to 1000 Ways to Kill France! The only (okay probably not) place where you can read France dying over and over again! This next one is a bit creative, and was brought to you by mein little bruder~!  
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**2. He gets shot with a cannon into space.**

After France's incident in the restaurant he resolved never to go back and eat American food ever again. That stuff is dangerous you know!? He was out for a lovely stroll in his rose garden thinking about what he could do to England if he ever caught him alone. Unbeknownst to him, said British country was watching him at that very moment planning his next death.

_**Behind a rose bush:**_

This time is was America who was filming and England was standing in front of the camera with an old fashioned cannon next to him. "This is the second way to kill the Frog. Shoot him with a cannon." England then produced a match from his coat and lit the cannon quickly covering his ears. America did the same making the footage go fuzzy slightly as the camera was jostled. A giant blast was heard and France was catapulted into the air, though he went a lot farther then anticipated. He went right through the clouds and cleared the atmosphere. England burst into laughter grabbing onto the side of cannon, unfortunately the fuze was still smoking lightly and caught England's shirt on fire. America dropped the camera as he ran over to help put out the fire. The camera's battery died and the footage went black.

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**This chapter is a little short I will admit ^ ^' Hope you guys still like it though! Reviews are very much celebrated! Also, for anyone who saw this before I edited it, I did not mean to put 'shit' instead of 'shirt'...  
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	3. NonStop Rebecca Black

**Forever-sweet has returned everyone~! Kekeke and with another chapter of ****1000 Ways to Kill France!**** ^ ^ In this next chapter England and America are going to do a truly heinous crime against humanity. When writing this chapter I was beginning to wonder if even France deserved a torture like this...then I just shrugged it off and continued writing~! Enjoy everyone!**

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**3. He gets tied down to a chair and is listening to Rebecca Black non-stop.**

France was going about his day as usual; he got up early to drink some fine wine brought in by a very scrumptious looking waiter, he called England and asked if he would re-consider marrying him (England took two seconds to figure out what he wanted and hung up the phone), and lastly he went out into his garden. Though, he was hesitant when he remembered what had happened last week, carefully he put the toe of his boot into the garden, when no cannon balls threatening to take off his foot, were launched he sighed in relief and strutted fully into the garden. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depends on the person's point of view), he was stopped after three steps by a cloth clamping over his mouth. He gasped in shock and inhaled the sweet smelling liquid on the rag, causing him to promptly be knocked out.

_**In a room somewhere in America:**_

The camera flickered to life once again England was behind it as America stood in front of a window with a curtain drawn across it. "Is it on?"

"Yes, it is on you git! Just start already!"

"Oh okay! This is the third way to kill France! Here you might need these." America handed a pair of earmuffs to England who shook the camera as he he put on the earmuffs. "What are these for?"

"To protect your ears. Way three is forcing him to listen to non-stop Rebecca Black!" With a grand flourish America drew back the curtains to revel that the 'window' was a one way mirror to another room. This room contained France tied to a chair in the middle of the room with a giant speaker system in front of him. France was slightly disoriented and was fighting to keep from puking up his precious red wine.

America slipped on his earmuffs and motioned for England to do the same, once both their earmuffs were secure he pressed play on a remote.

(**skip this next part if you'd like to stay sane**)

_Seven a.m., waking up in the morning_

_Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs_

_Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal_

_Seein' everything, the time is goin'_

_Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'_

_Gotta get down to the bus stop_

_Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends_

France's eyes bulged out of his head and he began to really struggle against his bonds more fiercely attempting to get away from them. "NO! S'il vous plaît! Don't make me listen to this horribly trashy American music!"

_**A Few Hours Later:**_

America and England had hooked up the camcorder to a battery charger so that the battery wouldn't die and went out to get something to eat while they waited for France to die.

Inside the room France was weakly thrashing at his bonds as 'Friday' came on for the 234th time. Finally, the poor Frenchman couldn't take it anymore, so, his head exploded. Chunks of French flesh and brains splattered against the stereo and against the one way mirror, the blood from France's brain (or whatever was left of it) shorted out the stereo, and the room became deadly silent, but for the dripping of blood on tile.

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**Can I have a show of hands who's head wouldn't explode from listening to Rebecca Black? No one huh. Yeah, I figured it that way...I hope you all liked this newest way to kill France~! I'll be back to ensure that you have more!**


	4. Off with limbs and to ve sharks he goes

**Good Morning Kiddes~! Forever-sweet here with once again another chapter of ****1000 Ways to Kill France!**** This next one is a personal favorite threat of mine, so it should be interesting to see it actually play out! Good luck France~!**

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**4. Chops off his hands and feet and stick his head into a tank with sharks.**

France began to regain consciousness after his death last hour and was ready to stretch his fingers and toes. This would have worked if not for the fact he didn't have any fingers or toes, or hands and feet for that matter. They had all been chopped off by England with an old fashioned pirate sword (to say England enjoyed that part would be an understatement).

France was currently hanging by hooks on his legs as he dangled over a giant tank of water, blood from his missing limbs flowing freely and dripping into the clear substance below staining it crimson and making France light-headed. Near the edge of the room England and America were trying to stay out of view of France as America turned on the camera. England marched in front of the camera in complete pirate garb (US: Why are you wearing that? UK: Because it makes me feel better about killing France this way!) holding a chain in one of his hands and a sword in the other.

"Hello ye camera! This next one is the 5th way to kill France! Over in that tank is ten bull sharks that haven't been fed in a few days and hovering above that tank is France about to become a very tasty snack!" (US: 'ye camera'? UK: Shut up you git!)

France felt his body shift as he began to slowly descend towards the water where a few fins were swimming around. He faintly wondered how he was moving (England had let go of the chain) when he felt sharp teeth rip into the flesh on his calf tearing it away completely.

The camera was placed on a near-by table so, that both of the countries could watch France being slowly and tortuously taken apart by the sharks. England looked smug in his pirate stuff and America looked wondrous (and a bit stupid) while wearing England's pirate hat.

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**^ ^ I probably could have given a bit more description to the tearing and maiming of France, but I thought it unnecessary. I'm sure all your twisted little minds can come up with that on your own~! Till then reviews are always loved~!  
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	5. Accidental Death, this time

**Yes, Children I'm back~! I'm starting to think I'm enjoying this fanfiction just a little too much~! And since you've all been good children this year I'll give you another chapter with more France killing :D**

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**5. Falls into sewers with piranhas.**

France was currently running away from two men wearing all black suits and holding a camera. They had tried to jump him in his garden again, but he had been ready and had vaulted himself over the fence. He took off running down the street with the other two hot on his heels. He only looked back once to see if they were still chasing him (they were), once he turned back around it was too late. He fell right into an open man hole.

America and England stopped in front of the man hole that France had fallen into and peaked their camera down there. It was too dark to see anything, but they did get some interesting sound bites. Screaming and the sound of splashing as something was ripped out of where it was supposed to be. They both stood stunned until all the noise died down and once again there was silence below the dark city. "Um...I guess that was the fifth way to kill France...?"

_**Two Hours Earlier:**_

A man had been traveling home from the pet store where he had bought a ton of rare and deadly piranhas, he too had not seen the open man hole and had tripped over a rock. As he hit the ground he lost his grip on the fish tank and it shattered sending all his new deadly pretty pets into the sewers.

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***smiles* That was just unlucky of France, Poor England and America; they didn't actually get to kill France this time.**


	6. Pervert No More

**Hello my dear Deadly Children~ and welcome back to ****1000 Ways to Kill France! **** ^ ^This chapter is going to be a little bit different because England and America are actually going to go up to France. Poor thing, he had no idea of the horrors about to happen to him~!**

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**6. Bet him he can't be a pervert for a day and he explodes.**

"This will never work."

"Dude! Iggy, it will totally work! HAHA! This is going to be so bad ass!" America was sitting next to England at the world conference, the reason no one was paying them any mind was that half of the nations had fallen asleep, even Germany was beginning to nod off. Greece was speaking and he wasn't in much of a hurry in his speech.

England sighed and leaned over tapping France on the shoulder. "Hey, Frog. I bet you can't be a pervert for a whole day." That's when it happened, France's head exploded. Greece stopped speaking and everyone stared with their mouths hanging open. America grinned victorious as he held up the video camera and whispered to it, 'number 6'.

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**Okay, that was a bit lame... ^ ^' lol I wasn't sure how to do this one so I was just going to go with it! ^ ^' Enjoy? Also, all flames will be devoured by Flying Mint Bunny.  
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	7. Somehow this is more stupid than last ch

**I have a feeling this next chapter will be as stupid as the other one ^ ^ You've been warned.**

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**7. Shave his head and make him embarrass himself to death.**

France couldn't understand what everyone was giggling at! He had been walking around in the streets of Paris and every time he tried to flirt with a person they would laugh at him and walk away. It wasn't making any sense to the Frenchman.

Was it something he losing his touch!? Did he have bad breath!? No! He couldn't live with himself if his perfection was ruined!

So, the solution? Drown himself in the nearest fountain, and this is where England and America found him once they had caught up to him. "Wow... Do you even think he noticed that we shaved his head?"

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**See? I'm starting to think is getting a bit...crackish...**


	8. Dancing With Death

**O.O While writing this I am questioning the sanity of this authoress and of America/England... Enjoy, da?**

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**8. Spontaneously combustion from dancing.**

"England, dude, what the hell are we doing!?"

"Shh! I'm trying to summon a demon!"

"Dude, black magic doesn't work..."

"Would you shut up you bloody wanker! It does so work!" England hit America over the head with his spell book and threw him a black cloak. "Now put this on and shut up!" America looked at England as if he was mad but didn't argue. Once England was sure that America would shut up long enough for him to do the spell he began.

_**With France:**_

France was sitting in the bottom of his closet hiding underneath a few of his old worn out quilts. His eyes searched his apartment every few seconds looking through the crack in his door, for the men in black who were determined to see him dead. Possibly for good.

France had been hiding in the closet since the last world meeting. His boss kept calling him to ask if he was alright and when he would be coming into work, but they usually went to voice mail or the answering machine, because France was far too frightened to go out and answer the phone.

The frightened Frenchman hit his head on one of the shelves when his phone rang making him jump. Like usual he didn't get up to answer the phone and it went straight to the answering machine. "France this is your boss. You better pick up the phone or I swear I will call Russia's boss and ask if he will send-" France was out of the closet in a flash and picked up the phone to answer his boss.

He was about to speak, when he saw it.

The men in black were sitting on a window cleaners perch outside his window, their video camera pointed straight at him. He let out a girlish scream and dropped the phone, his boss yelling frantically in French on the other end. He was fully prepared to dive back into the safety of his closet, but his feet wouldn't obey; instead they started...dancing...?

France's eyes widened as his feet started going through all the dances he knew and some dances he had never even known were possible. It was fun and France was starting to think this wasn't so bad when something weird happened. His feet caught on fire; yet they still danced. They kept dancing until the fire had consumed all of France's body as he screamed even more like a little girl. Then he fell silent and his feet stopped dancing, the only sound in the whole room was France's boss yelling at him over the phone.

_**On the Window Cleaners Perch:**_

"Dude! Iggy that was so bad ass!"

"Do you believe in magic now you git?"

"Totally!" England was smirking in victory at having America finally believe in black magic and in killing France, when the red demon he had summoned before appeared on the window cleaners perch right behind the two of them. "Ready to come to hell and be my queen~?" England's eye widened in alarm as the demon grabbed him around the waist and disappeared with him.

America stared in shock at where England had been a few minutes ago and panicked. "How do I get down from here?! Iggy? Iggy! Iggy!? ENGLAND!"

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**I don't know who I feel more sorry for, Amerika or Iggy XD There is a prize to who ever can guess what show the demon is from~  
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	9. One punch, Two Punch, Dead

**Yo~! ^ ^ I'm glad that people like this story so much~! It's actually really fun to write (big surprise, huh?) and even more fun to figure out new ways for France to die in some pretty freakin' evil ways :) Onward with the chapter~! (and yes England and America are fine. If they weren't would I really be going on with the story?)**

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**9. Have him enter a boxing match.**

After France's last death the nation was even more reluctant to leave the safety of his linen closet, but after nothing happened for two months of hiding he figured it was safe to come out and continued his normal life. Three weeks after he left his closet and still nothing had happened, France had forgotten all about his deaths and was continuing on with life as usual. It was once again time for another world conference meeting (since the other one didn't end so well...) this one was being held in America.

As soon as the world meeting began France noticed several things wrong; one, England was no where to be found. Two, America didn't seem like his cheerful self, and Russia's smile seemed to hold more malice and happiness then it usually did. Which by itself is enough to make France to shiver in discomfort.

_**After the meeting:**_

France was a little surprised that the meeting ended without anyone arguing with anyone else, but he was delighted when America had asked him if he would like to play a sport with him. France had been so delighted that he hadn't really listened to what sport America had said.

_**In America's house:**_

America was starting to wonder if asking for Russia's help was such a good idea. The larger country had been delighted with America asking for his help and had told the North American nation that he would go retrieve England from Hell, if America would come to his house for dinner in three days.

America was too exhausted from climbing down a building and traveling back to his own country so he agreed, now he regretted it and was counting down the days in his head till his death.

America was snapped out of his thoughts when a portal opened up in the middle of his living room and in stepped said smiling Russian with England wearing a dress behind him. America's eyes widened and even with the current situation he couldn't help but to crack a smile at the irritated look on England's face. "Say one word and I'll summon the demon again and this time give you to him!" Russia watched as the two countries began bickering, it became tiring however so, he decided to intervene.

"I will see Amerika at my house in three days, da?" America looked irritated at it being brought up but shrugged and nodded his head. "Sure, yeah, whatever, I'll be there..." Russia's smile widened and he turned around and promptly walked out of America's house already planning the dinner in his head. He'd have to ask Lithuania if he'd be willing to help him prepare it.

England turned to America with a raised eyebrow. "Now it makes sense as to why Russia came and fetched me. You made a deal with the devil you git!"

"Would you rather I leave you down in hell dude?" England remained silent, 'I thought so'. "Well, it's good he got you today, because we already have our next way to kill France planned tonight."

"And what would that be, git?"

"Boxing, Iggy!"

"Boxing...?"

_**At a Boxing Ring Place:**_

France checked his watch for perhaps the 8th time in two minutes sighing to himself in agitation. America had said he would meet him at 8 and it was already 10. This was really getting tiresome, and France was beginning to wonder why again he had even agreed to this.

"Hey France! Dude, sorry I'm late! We have to get in there now!" America came from seemingly nowhere and dragged France inside the building. "So what will be playing? Football (**for any American readers out there, soccer**)?"  
"No! Silly! I'm not playing with you! You're boxing, man!" France blinked not really understanding America's words. "I'm what...?"

"Boxing, dude!" America pulled him into a boxing ring and handed him a pair of boxing gloves. America jumped out of the ring and ran over to where England was sitting on the first row with their ever faithful video camera. The bell rang much to France's confusion, he turned to ask America what was going on when something hard hit him in the side of his head. Sputtering in indignation he turned to his attacker only to receive a hit to the nose, which in turn shoved the cartilage in his nose into his brain. That signaled the end of the match.

England sighed and switched off the video camera. "That was rather boring and a waste of time."

"Dude! What are you talking about!? That was freakin' epic!" England rolled his eyes and stood up from his seat smoothing the wrinkles out of his dress. "I'm going home and taking a shower. Good-bye America."

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**^ ^ Who else did you think was able to raise England from hell? I was kind of happy to be able to include Russia into this chapter~! I hope you all at home reading this enjoyed it~! If not, I'm sorry? Das Vadanya~! Don't forget to review!  
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	10. Mush Little Doggie Mush!

**Hello~! I'm back~! And I have brought another chapter of 1000 Ways to Kill France~! ^ ^ Personally I thought this next one was pretty creative. I also wanted to thank those of you that sent in suggestions, I will diffidently be bringing those into this story. Till then, enjoy this chapter of 1000 Ways to Kill France!  
**

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**10. Tie his limbs to four different dogs and yell 'mush!'**

_**At Canada's House:**_

Canada at first wasn't sure what to think when his brother and England burst into his house asking if they could borrow his sled dogs. When he had questioned why they needed his dogs they said it was for their newest idea of killing France.

Now, Generally Canada would have been against killing any other nation (even if it was France) and would have tried to talk them out of it, but as it would seem yesterday France had tried to roofie him and he none too happy about it. So, when asked with a puppy dog face by his brother if they could please use his dogs, who was he to refuse? He even helped them further by calling France and asking him if he would like to come over.

Everything was set, now they just had to wait for France to fall into their trap.

_**With France:**_

France had been out on his balcony drinking some wine and watching the normal Paris bustle, when he had heard the phone he was a bit hesitant to pick it up, but in the end his curiosity won him over. He was most delighted that it was Canada calling him and not the masked men asking for his head on a platter, or America inviting him over to do anything.

He was so delighted when Canada invited him to his house, he thought nothing of excepting and headed right over. The thought never seemed to cross his mind that it might be a trap or that Canada might still be angry over yesterday's incident.

"Bonjour mon Canadian~!" He announced knocking on the door, to his surprise he found the front door was unlocked and opened under his knocking. Curious, he stepped inside the living room, but didn't see Canada anywhere. Now, we all know France isn't the brightest Crayon in the box, but I don't think even he was stupid enough not to make the connect that this was a trap by then.

He bolted for the door figuring that the masked men had kidnapped Canada and forced him to make that phone call (it's mostly true). Sadly, as luck would have it as soon as he was in the door way the door tried to close with him in the way and ended up knocking him out cold. Canada stepped out from around the door looking a little worried and guilty. He didn't have much to say though when England and America dragged France away.

_**In a Clearing:**_

"Come on Britain! How hard is to turn on a camera dude!? It's cold! Hurry up! I'm freezing my balls off out here man!" America whined rubbing his arms for warmth and hopping back and forth on his feet.

"Would you bloody well shut up for a second! I have to adjust the settings, and stop moving it's distracting!" Britain glared at America who was shivering despite wearing three coats, though the American did stop hoping on his feet. "There I have it!"

"Dude! I have this awesome idea! Let's Mattie do it this time!"

"Who?"

"Canada! Dude, not the point right now! Hey Mattie! You wanna do this one?!"

"I guess... You said this was one way? So, what number is this eh?"

"It's number ten!"

The camera flickered to life showing a snowy landscape with Canada standing in the middle of it. "Hello, I'm Canada and this is the tenth way to kill France..."

"Dude that was soooo lame!" Came obnoxious laughter from behind the camera. Canada's face turned bright pink and he attempted to glare at his American brother.

"Shut up you git! Let him finish so, we can get to killing France now!" Britain shushed America, the camera moved from Canada to France lying face down in the snow each of his limbs attached to a different rope. "As you can see we have each of France's limbs attached to one of..."

"C-A-N-A-D-A! Dude! You are really bad at remembering that!"

"...Canada's dogs! And when Canada gives the signal we'll begin." The camera went back to facing Canada who looked a bit unsure. "Uh...mush..." The camera swerved back to watch as all the dogs went in opposite directions pulling the ropes taunt. France's eyes snapped open just in time for him to see his right arm being pulled out of it's socket. A splatter of blood scattered in the snow as the dog took off with France's arm leaving a small trail of red and muscle. He screamed in agony as another dog snapped the bone in his left leg and after some thrashing around managed to pull it loose also. Soon it was just two dogs playing tug or war, neither dog really won, because both limbs gave out at the same time leaving France's torso laying in a pool of red snow.

There was silence as the dogs faded away, then retching could be heard in the background. "Yo Mattie! You okay bra?" The camera switched to black as Britain turned it off.

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**I hope that was to all of the readers tastes, sorry this took so long to get out but I was distracted! I'll try to get more out soon, but I would not count on it, because I'm having surgery on my wrist and it probably means I won't be able to type with it as well... Don't forget to review if you guys have anymore ways for France to die! Till then~! Have fun my gory pets~!**


	11. 1, 2 Belarus is coming for you!

**Hello everyone! I'm back~! Today's chapter of '1000 Ways to Kill France' is going to feature an idea from one of my reviewers! I hope you guys find this idea as amusing as I did! XD **

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**11.) Iggy and Alfred convince Belarus that France was flirting with Ivan and have him be tortured (Anonymous).**

_**In France's Garden:**_

It was a beautiful day! The roses were blooming, the birds were singing, Belarus was approaching him with a knife-

France's eyes widened as he did a double take. Belarus was indeed approaching him carrying her favorite knife and she didn't look too happy at all. France gulped and held up his hands in surrender as the angry she-nation came closer the purple aura that her brother was famous for surrounding her.

_**2 Hours Earlier at Russia's House:**_

Russia was cowering underneath his bed with his beloved pipe in his hands as his sister, Belarus, clawed at his bedroom door demanding that he 'become one' with her. He grew confused when he heard voices outside the door. Was that Alfredka and the Brit?

What were they doing here? He heard Belarus scream in rage (he flinched) and stomp off screaming about killing the 'French Bastard'? What had France done to piss off his little sister enough that she would leave him alone? Russia couldn't bring himself to care very much and instead focused on going outside so that he could hug his two saviors.

_**Same thing only on Belarus's side of the door:**_

"Big Brother! Come out here and marry me! We can become one! Big Brother-!" Belarus felt tapping on her shoulder and whirled around hissing at whoever would dare interrupt her time with her big brother. England flinched with wide eyes as America continued to grin stupidly. "What do you want?!"

"W-we came to a-alert you t-t-" Britain was cut off by America's 'hero' laugh. "We came to tell you that we caught France flirting with Russia yesterday!" The reaction was immediate, Belarus's eyes narrowed and her teeth could audibly be heard grinding in anger.

Finally, she let out a screech of rage and stomped off down the hallway screaming all the way. "Brother is mine! No one can touch him, but me!" As soon as she rounded the corner America turned to the bedroom door and knocked softly. "Hey commie! Come out! Your lunatic sister is gone!" The door cracked open and one fearful violet eye peaked out trying to determine if it was safe.

There was a sigh of relief and the sound of something heavy moving away from the door before Russia appeared out of the room suddenly hugging them both tightly. Mumbling things in fast frightened Russian. "Hey dude no problem! I'm the hero after all, but can you please stop trying to break me and Iggy's ribs!?" Russia finally let go with a 'da' his creepy smile reappearing on his face.

America grinned before pulling out his video camera, he switched it on and pointed it at Russia. "What?"

"Dude, your crazy sisters obsession for you is our 11th way to kill France! Say 'hi' to the viewers!" Russia looked a little confused, but decided to humor the American. "Hello?" America laughed before turning off the camera and turning to England. "Dude! We have to figure out what Belarus is going to do to him!" He pulled on Iggy's sleeve and dragged him in the direction that Belarus had gone.

_**Present Time in Belarus's Basement:**_

So much for France's peaceful morning... He was now strapped to some old fashioned torture device while Belarus sharpened her blades near-by. "Mon Cher what have I done to invoke your beautiful wrath this time?" Belarus glared at him as she gave one particularly hard swipe of her sharpening tool creating sparks. "You flirted with Big Brother, now you pay the price for touching what is mine!" France was confused out of his mind now, he hadn't even looked Russia's way in three weeks. Perhaps, Belarus is mistaken and he could talk her out of it?

"Mon Cher I do not know what you mean, I have not talked to your Big Brother in many weeks. Are you sure you are not mistaken?" If Belarus even slightly cared about his opinion it did not show as she japed him in the side with her pointy knife electing a scream from him.

"S'il vous plaît arrêter! Je me rends! Je me rends!"

"Не, вы будзеце плаціць за дотык Вялікага Брата!" France didn't exactly speak Belarusian so he wasn't sure what Belarus had just said to him, but by the tone of her voice he probably didn't want to know.

Belarus dug her knife hard into one of France's rips ignoring his pained agony filled cries. Pulling it out she set it down on a near-by metal table and pulled out a syringe instead, it was empty of anything, but for air. She walked around to the end of the table and stuck the needle in France's big toe pushing in a giant bubble of air. France's eyes watered in pain as the air bubble began to move up through the veins in his leg. It reached up to his inner thigh then was burst by Belarus's knife popping like a normal bubble would pop in dish water, only spraying blood instead of residue of soup.

France groaned in agony chocking on his own saliva as Belarus did the same thing again and again. Soon enough France's legs and arms were covered with bloody wounds that bubbled slightly.

Belarus was growing tired of torturing France, she instead wanted to go find her Big Brother and 'convince' him to marry her. So, she filled the syringe once again with air only this time she stuck it straight into one of France's main veins causing a clot in the heart.

France foamed red at the mouth as red blood seeping out of his wounds and his heart finally stopped. With the joy of a schoolgirl, Belarus cleaned off her favorite knife and skipped out of the room singing 'Rasputin' under her breath.

In the corner of the basement a small blinking red light of a camera shut off via remote control and was soon retrieved by America who didn't even look over at France's mutilated body. Instead he shut off the lights and thought about swinging by Micky D's for a hamburger and a large coke.

* * *

**Hm, I'm not sure if this chapter is good or not? I can't really tell, because my head is fuzzy and I feel quite sick from my pain pills. Ah well~! I hope you enjoyed the way France died, Anonymous~? I liked your suggestions so much that another one of them will appear in a later chapter~! I'm too lazy to translate the different languages so you people will have to do it on your own if you really want to know~! Well, till then my children~! Good Night and make sure to hide your Russia plushies from Belarus~!**


	12. Italian Mafia

**Ciao fedeli lettori! ^ ^ For the next few chapters I'm going to be featuring ideas submitted by you guys! This next chapter is going to be featuring everyone's favorite Italian brothers~! I have decided I should probably start putting warnings at the beginning of my chapters so here we go!**

**Warnings: Angry Italians, Character Death(s), and America holding a camera.**

**12.) Killed by an upset Italy and Romano (anomonous russia fan)**

**Iggy's House:**

Britain was sitting in front of his fire place drinking a cup of tea and chewing on some scones as he waited for America to show up. "Dude! Iggy! I'm here!" Britain sighed as he heard his front door slam through the wall as America opened it. "I'm in here America." He said calmly watching as his overly-hyper active former charge practically bounced into the room a sack of that fried crap that he calls food in his hand. "Sup! Why'd ya call me over here British-dude~?" Said British 'dude' cringed at the brutal slaughter of his language, but decided to ignore it in favor of something better.

"I have our latest idea on how to kill France." America stopped bouncing immediately and sat down next to Britain on the floor. "That's awesome dude, but how?"

"Don't you think it would be funny if Italy and Romano killed Frog?"

"Yeah, but that's never going to happen! They're both afraid of France!" America laughed while munching on his heart attack in a bun. "That may be true, but what if we did something to the two of them that makes them fearless?"  
"Like what? Those two fearless? That doesn't even sound possible!"  
"Currently it's not, but what if we killed Germany and Spain?" America stopped in mid-chew as he stared at the other nation like he'd just thrown a baby into acid. "Don't give me that look you git! We're not really going to kill them! We're just going to tell Italy and Romano that France killed Germany and Spain!" America sighed in relief once he figured out his best British pal wasn't going homicidal.

"That's an awesome plan! So who's going to be the one to tell the pasta lovers?"

"..."

"..."

"Rock-Paper-Scissors?"

"No-way! You came up with the idea! You should be the one to tell them! I'll just hide behind the camera!"

"Is that really what a Hero does? Hiding while the other bloke risks his life!"

"In this case I'm going to lean towards yes!"

"..."

"..."

"Fine..."

"Awesome! I'll go get the camera!" America gave his 'hero pose' and skipped out of England's house off in search of their trusty camera.

"God help me..."

**In Italy's Kitchen:**

Italy was happily cooking up pasta in the kitchen as he waited for Doitsu and Big Brother Spain to show up for the dinner that Romano and him had been planning for a month. That's when he heard the door bell rang, Italy looked over at the clock in confusion. "Ve~? Germany and Spain sure are early~?"

"Whatever, just get the door before the pasta burns!" Italy ran off to answer the door; his curl drooped in confusion when he saw England standing at his door wearing all black. "Ve~? Hello England~?"

"Hello, Italy. May I come in?" Italy looked back at the clock and frowned. "Sorry! No can do! Germany and Spain are going to be over for dinner soon! We're having pasta!" The happy Italian bounced on the heels of his feet as he looked back at the clock three more times. England's face became more grim as he looked at the ground. "That's why I'm here... Italy, Germany and Spain were murdered by France twenty minutes ago..." Italy stood there frozen, not moving an inch. Then his eyes began to open up reveling the dark amber color below. "Would England please excuse me?" England nodded rapidly not wanting to be there as it was. He spun around on his heel and beat a hasty retreat; he would have screamed when he was pulled into the bushes if it wasn't for America holding his hand over his mouth grinning his 1000 watt smile. "Dude! You should totally get a grammy for that!"

"Shut up you git! You could get us caught!" England hissed at him under his breath, America grinned and held up the camera so that it was pointed at the front door. All the lights in the house flicked off and the two parts of Italy came out of the house pissed off and wearing trench coats.

"Dude...should we follow them?"

"You should follow them!"  
"Why just me?"  
"Because I have to stay here and make sure that Germany and Spain don't go looking for those two!"

"Oh right!" America gave his hero laugh and followed the two Italians, he turned the camera towards himself and grinned. "Number twelve on killed France!" He whispered and got into his car propping the camera so that it kept Italy's red car in view.

**France's House:**

France didn't know what to think anymore, the men in black were everywhere! He could swear up and down that he could see them everywhere he went! At the gym, in the kitchen, and even his neighbor walking her dog looked like one of the men in black! After last weeks incident with Belarus he had convinced himself that the men in black were behind that too! So of course when France heard a knock on his front door he jumped out his window like a bat out of hell.

**Outside the Door:**

A delivery man stood by and tapped his foot impatiently. "If he's going to order the sex toys he should at least come out here and actually sign for them!"

**Outside the Window where France Jumped:**

Some how France had survived his fall from his window and jumped to his feet tears running down his cheeks. "I did it! I survived the men in black! Take that you filthy killers! Je gagne!"

While France was cheering and happy dancing about winning a sheet of bullets was heading his way, and when they reached him they tore him apart making it look like he was in some kind of new bizarre dance. The screaming from surrounding people started when France's body hit the ground; very much dead.

**From Behind a Near-by Bush:**

A stunned America held the camera steady as he watched France go down. "Wow...so that's what happens when you piss off the Italian mafia..."

**At Italy's House Two Hours Later:**

Said leaders of the Italian mafia were sitting on their couch at home cramming pasta into their mouths while crying their eyes out. There was a ring of the door bell and Italy peeled himself off of the couch to answer the door leaving Romano to steal some more of his pasta. "Germania! Grande Fratello Spagna!" This got Romano's attention as he bolted off the couch and into the living room to see Italy hugging a shocked Germany. "Italy! What has gotten into you!"

"Lovi? Have you been crying?" Spain blinked at the southern part of Italy as he was tackled and hugged near to death. "Stupid Bastard! We thought you were dead!"

"Why would you think that?"

"That stupid scone-sucking bastard told us so!"

"Really? I wonder why Britain would do that...?" Germany and Spain exchanged a look confused.

**I hope you guys enjoyed how this chapter ended! What can I say? I can't just leave an upset Italy and Romano hanging! For those who don't know 'Je gagne!' means 'I win' in French ^ ^ This chapter took forever to type with one hand , but I did still love killing France :) **

**Till next time~!**


	13. Oh No! They got Iggy too!

**Something about writing this chapter isn't sitting well on my stomach...I wonder if it's because Britain's going to use his magic again or if it's because he's using it in a very peculiar way XD**

**13.) Death by exploding sexy lady mannequins. (Blueladymare)**

**At America's House:**

America wasn't quite sure he wanted to know why England wanted him to buy 50 lady mannequins. Or why they had to be the ones with faces; it's not that it was creeping America out or anything. No! He's the Hero and hero's are never scared by creepy staring mannequins! "America? Are you okay?" Hero's also do not jump and scream like little girl scouts when surprised, because Hero's are never surprised!

"Get down from the ceiling and help me move these downstairs you git!"

**In the Basement:**

"So what's this spell supposed to do anyways?"

"It's going to make the mannequins come to life." America's face paled as he let go of the mannequin arm he had been messing with letting out a nervous laugh. "You're not serious are you dude?"

"..."

"Dude!"

"Calm down America!"

"But I saw this in a movie once! Objects start coming to life and try to take over the world! It was so freaky!"

"This isn't one of your stupid movies America!" England was starting to acquire a headache from spending so much time around the loud-mouthed American. "I'm going to go take something for my headache, please just don't touch anything?" He didn't wait for America's response as he went up the stairs and into the main part of the house. While England was away the 'hero' just to play. He never even knew that there was a basement in his house let alone that England was using it for his black magic!

Unknown to the 'hero', while he messed around he didn't notice that he had tipped something extra into England's magic pot making the mixture inside flash pink before settling on an indigo color.

"You idiot! What did you do!" England ran down the stairs and leaned over the side of the pot that was now extremely bubbly. "Um...nothing? I was just-" That's when the potion exploded all over England and the sexy lady mannequins. "Iggy! Dude! Are you OK!"

"Yeah, I'm fine... What happened?"

"Your spell worked!"  
"What?"

"Yeah! Check it out!" America pointed to the mannequins which were now up and walking. England blinked but shook his head, letting America help him to his feet. "That's neat and all, but let's get them to Frog's house before the magic wears off.

**France's House:**

You guessed it. France was sitting in the bottom of his linens closet hiding from the men in black. That is he was hiding until he heard his doorbell ring, he went to check it just encase it was the new sex toys he had ordered two months ago and had still yet to receive. Instead there was a group of beautiful young ladies standing in the hallway, and of course because he is France he thought nothing of inviting them into his home.

"Hello my lovely ladies~! What brings you to my home?" They didn't answer him, just calmly stared at him without saying a word; expressions never changing. France didn't mind he was used to his companions never saying a word to him. "Oh~ Not much into talking? Can I offer you fine ladies some wine?" Nothing. He decided a different approach. "How would you ladies like to learn about la'mour from a master~?"

Nothing, so he took it as a yes and kissed one of the lovely ladies.

She exploded. This caused a chain reaction making all 50 of the 'lovely ladies' explode; making France 'No More!'

**Outside France's Window:**

"..."

"..."

"Um Iggy...? Are they supposed to explode?"

"No...No they aren't you git..." America turned the camera at England who glared at it. "As it would seem, this is the 13th way to kill France..." Then England exploded splattering insides all over America and the camera.

**Bawhahaha~ So I got Iggy at the end there~! ^ ^' Totally my intention~ Sorry Igg's! Don't forget to review! Reviewing helps give this dizzy gory kitty motive to write!**


	14. Bashing in Skulls for Partys

**HOLA READERS! FOREVER-SWEET HERE~! As you all can tell, I seem to be on some type of happy juice because I'm actually working on another chapter of '1000 Ways to Kill France'! well, enjoy it while you can kiddies! It's not going to last long at all!**

**14.) America and Iggy tell Ivan that they have a life like**

**pinata of France, with mini vodka bottles inside. The could knock him out and**

**cover him with crepe paper, so he won't make any noises until it's too late.**

**(IrishMaid)**

**Russia's House:**

Russa's day had been shaping up to be a fairly good one so far, the Baltic's had made sure to buy an extra bottle of vodka, his sister Belarus was too busy in her home to try and force him to marry her, and he had managed to finish a book he had borrowed from Japan. Now he sat by his window humming to himself as he finished off the bottle and the last of his paperwork.

Then he heard knocking on his door, fearing the worse he grabbed his pipe and tip-toed to the door being careful not to make any noise just in case it was Belarus. This way he could look, see if it was her, and beat a hasty retreat to China's house if needed. "Yo Commie! Open up the door! We're freezing our asses off out here!"

"_Amerika? What is he doing here?_" Carefully Russia put away his pipe and opened the door. "Hello Amerika. Hello Britain. What be bringing you two to my home? Have you come to become one with Mother Russia?"

"You wish Commie!"

"How many times do I have to tell you, Capitalist Pig, I am no longer a communist nation."

"Yeah rig-" Britain got tired of the fighting and he figured that if they kept making Russia mad that he was going to leave them outside in the snow. "May be please come in? We brought something for you."

"Da, you can come in." When America didn't budge Britain had to shove him into the house. "So what did you come all the way to my homeland for?"

"Well, as I said before. We brought you something." He gestured for America to put down the giant white bag that he had been carrying down on the floor. Once he managed to get the ties undone it reveled what looked like a life-sized pinata of France. "That's nice, but why?"

"We figured you needed a break." Russia didn't look totally convinced. "And it's filled with little bottles filled with Vodka." Russia's expression brightened. "If that is the case then why is it in the shape of Comrade France?"

"Amusement. And- AGH! AMERICA! WHY THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU LIKE MY HAND! THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

"But before you can take a swing you have to put on this blindfold!" America produced a blindfold from seemingly no where and held it out to Russia. He took it looking confused. "What am I supposed to do with this...?"

"HAHAHA! Dude! You're supposed to cover your eyes with it so you can't see! Me and Iggy will hang up the pinata and you can take a swing at it until you manage to break it open!" As soon as the blindfold was in place America hung up the pinata and stepped far away from Russia along with England. "Say America?"

"Yeah dude!"

"Why'd you have him put on a blindfold? We didn't bring the camcorder remember? We were going to take some pictures."

"Huh? Oh! I just wanted to see Russia swing and miss a couple of times! It will make him look like a total idiot! Hahaha!"

"After I am done with pinata, I am coming after you next Amerika~" America gulped laughing nervously. England shook his head and pulled out his digital camera. "Hold up the sign, git." America huffed put pulled out a folded piece of paper and unfolded it holding it in front of him. _**This is the 14th Way To Kill France :)**_

England rolled his eyes put snapped a picture. "I think I hit it~" Both of the nations turned to see Russia with his pipe sticking out of the wall, America burst into laughter while Britain rolled his eyes. "D-dude! You missed by a long shot! Hahahaha! Not even close!" The purple aura appeared and Russia pulled his pipe out of the wall this time hitting the 'pinata' in the head, a sharp sickening crack echoed in the room of metal meeting skull. It was obvious that it wasn't a normal pinata, but if Russia cared he didn't show it as he happily kept whacking away. He hit the side of pinata France's head spinning the whole body spraying French blood all over the walls and the three nations in the room.

England was the first one to recover and snapped a picture of what was left of France's head and of the blood splattered everywhere. "Did I get it?"

"Oh you got him alright. You got him everywhere."* Russia smiled and pulled off his blind fold, his eyes were slightly crestfallen at seeing no vodka; just a dead France wrapped in crepe paper. "Don't look so down. We didn't bring alcohol, but you can keep America if you want."

"WHAT!"

"Kolkolkolkol...Come here Amerika~"

England only felt slightly guilty as he walked out of Russia's house, but when he thought of Flying Mint Bunny waiting at home for him he smiled and kept walking. Completely ignoring the cries from help coming from the slightly jarred door. "Oh!" He stopped and went back into the house ignoring whatever Russia was doing to America to make him scream that much, he picked up his camera and shut the door on the way out.

**Iggy feels no guilt in sacrificing America, after all~ America **_**is**_** the Hero. I know I didn't put any reactions from France, I was just too amused with Russia using him for batting practice with his pipe. I hope you enjoyed the chapter everyone~! ^ ^ Thanks for the suggestion and I could sure use some more! Thanks everyone! Till next time then?**


	15. Cat thief meets mallet

** O.O Oh wow, you guys sure are putting in more awesome ideas! I really think I need to start typing two chapters a day or something. *sigh* But it is really helpful! Thank you everyone who does submit an idea! I'm sorry if I haven't done your idea yet or if I don't do your idea T.T' Well, here's another chapter for you guys! Enjoy!**

* * *

**15.)****Have them tell Greece that France stole all of his cats and is planning on sacrificing them and have Greece go all psycho-path on him. (Huntress of the Dark Moon)**

**At Greece's House:**

Greece was just waking up from his morning nap, he was already planning on what he was going to do that day. "_Feed...my cat's, wait for...Japan's visit..., and taunt...the Turkish Bastard..._" He didn't think much of the fact that his cats weren't around him (or of the sticky note attached to his forehead) when he went to fill their bowls. He just sat at the counter and waited for them to come.

**4 Hours Later:**

Greece wrinkled his forehead in confusion when he still didn't hear the light pitter-patter of kitty paws on tile, usually as soon as he fills their bowls they come running; because he wrinkled his forehead this caused the note on his forehead to fall off and onto the table in front of Greece. His eyes lazily drifted down to the note, they widened in sudden shock as he snapped it up and re-read. He regained his composure with a small twitch and set down the note calmly; he stood up and walked over to the coat rack to get his jacket and hat. "Ohayou gozaimasu Greece-san. Where are you going?" Japan had let himself into Greece's place with the key the other nation had given him and had walked into the kitchen to see Greece opening the back door. Greece turned around with his normal expression looking perfectly calm; although his left eye seemed to be twitching slightly. "I'm going to France's...I will we back soon..." He reached down and picked up a mallet that was leaning against the house and walked away.

Japan watched in confusion as Greece slammed the door behind him knocking a glass cat nick-knack to the floor near the table. "Oh dear. I wonder what's wrong with Greece-san?" He set down the bag of grocery's he had bought and his camera to start gathering the glass fragments. That's when he noticed the note, even though Japan was not usually one to go through others things being in Greece's house made one curious. He picked up the note and read through it eyes widening as he set it down and slipped on his shoes going after Greece hoping to stop him in time.

_**Note: Bonjoar! I have stolen your small pussy kats and am planning to sacrifice them to my cat eating dog god's! See ya! - France.**_

**On a Hill Near Greece's House:**

Britain watched through a pair of binoculars as Greece stormed out of the house; a few minutes later Japan followed at a hurried pace yelling for Greece to come back. "Bloody Hell...I think your note actually fooled him..." He lifted the binoculars away (leaving behind black rings around his eyes) and stared at America who was eating a sandwich while Greece's cats practically covered him. "By the way how did you get those cat's away from Greece?"

"I rolled in cat nip and I'm eating a catnip and peanut butter sandwich." Britain looked on in horror at America as he happily devoured his sandwich.

**France's House:**

If a random person just looking into France's house randomly and saw France they would think, 'It's just a man enjoying some wine' and walk away. What they would miss is that France's hands are shaking and his eyes would dart back and forth between the window and the door.

So, when there was a knock on his door he jumped about a foot in the air and screamed like a little girl on Halloween. "Yo France...open up..." France breathed a sigh of relief at hearing Greece's voice though he was a bit surprised that Greece was there at all. Getting up he walked over to the door and opened it with a flourish. "Bonjour-" Was about as far as he got until Greece came down on his head with a giant mallet. This split open his head like a watermelon spilling brain all over the neutral Greece and the horrified Japan. "Greece-san!"

"Oh...hello Japan..why did you follow me...?"

"I was trying to tell you that the note was written by America-san!" Greece nodded lifting the mallet onto his shoulder. "That a fact..." He walked away with Japan following him in a rush trying to stop him from doing what he just did to France to America.

**In Britain's Home:**

Britain sighed and switched off the camera he had planted in France's house. "Somehow I knew that git was going to die this week." He took a sip of his tea not even noticing the black smudges still around his eyes.

* * *

**I'm sorry if you guys think Greece was out of character. (Also, that's my version of a psycho Greece, sorry if that wasn't what you were looking for) I wasn't sure how he would react to all of his feline friends just disappearing. Hm... I wonder if Japan saying 'oh dear' was a bit ooc for him...? Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! And don't forget to send in your ideas! They're always welcome! Till next time! Oh wait! One more thing! If you guys are ever curious as to what happens to the others whenever I end a chapter feel free to ask and I'll continue on to what happened with that specific person. Well, see ya~!  
**


	16. Chapter Coming Soon

**Hi guys this is a short intermission to tell you that this chapter will take longer to write. Do not worry though, the fanfiction will merely go around this chapter and resume where this one ends! This chapter will be coming soon so I apologize for the inconvenience.**


	17. Miss Hungary feels better now

**Hi everyone! As promised another chapter of '1000 Ways to Kill France'! **

* * *

**17.) Have France try and flirt with Hungary when she's in a crazy bad mood. Death by frying pan. (Maiya123)**

**UN World Meeting:**

"Hey Iggy!"

"What do you want?"

"How are we going to kill France today!"

"Shut up you idiot! You are going to get us caught before our 20th death at this rate!"

"Sorry..."

"Now shut up and just enjoy the meeting."

"But what about France!"

"Just shut up and watch!"

"..." America fidgeted next to England causing his knees to bump into the table. "WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT YOU BLOODY WANKER!" Everyone in the meeting room turned to look at England. "Something wrong Black Sheep?" England was grinding his teeth to the point of breaking as he had an internal battle over the consequences of strangling France right then. "_Calm down England...Just wait a few more minutes and everything will be right as rain..."_ He counted to ten in his head before answering France. "Nothing, Frog." England settled back in his seat and not so subtly kicked America's shin as hard as he could, sitting next to him and all.

America's scream of pain was masked by the meeting doors slamming open and a very tired looking Hungary walking in. England smirked as she sat down with a huff next to France, last night hadn't been so great for Hungary. She not only started her period, but Prussia had decided that very night to sneak in and harass her until the dawn when he fell asleep. Unfortunately for Hungary he fell asleep in her bed and she couldn't hit Prussia when he looked so peaceful sleeping. So, she decided to just start the day at 4 in the morning. She was just about to tear her own hair out because all her chores had been ruined because she was only half awake.

"What seems to be the matter Miss. Hungary? Not enough sleep last night? Do not despair because you still look as lovely as the roses in my garden. I know what will cheer you up, we should go on a date tonight? What's say you and me on top of the Eiffel Tower at ten tonight?" France was digging into every last nerve that Hungary had left and she looked ready to pop. "And if you enjoy the dinner and wine I'll whisk you away to my-" Hungary snapped.

She pulled out her favorite frying pan and hit France with all her might. Again and again, and again. It took a moment for anyone to realize what was going on, and another for anyone to want to get close enough to Hungary to stop her. Eventually though Germany and Prussia managed to pull her off of France's body with only a few injuries to Prussia. England excused himself from the meeting and waved up at the security camera in the corner, America followed mouthing at the camera 'This is the 17th way to kill France!'.

* * *

**Kekeke Poor Prussia, he didn't actually do anything wrong. Thanks for sending in your idea for this chapter! It's awesome!**


	18. Lesson: Don't mention 4kids to Japan

**For some reason I felt like making another chapter today (Guilt for taking so long to do the 16th way maybe?) so I present '1000 Ways to Kill France'! Enjoy. *dark laugh***

* * *

**18.) Getting Japan angry. How do you get Japan angry? Easy: mention '4Kids' and say _ _ made them. (livvykitty)**

**Outside Japan's House:**

"England...I don't think this is a good idea anymore...Japan is really sensitive about his anime..."

"Oh shut up! It was your idea in the first place idiot!"

"I was joking! This is a really, **really **bad idea!"

"What do you mean you were joking! Stop being a coward and ring his door bell already!"

"Dude! Do you know what happened last time I came to Japan's door with a surprise! He held one of his ninja swords to my throat! He could have killed me!"

"Don't be such a baby! You probably deserved it anyways. Stupid git."

"Can we just leave!"

"Fine! But no complaining about being bored!"

"England-san? America-san? What are you two doing here?" Both said nations frooze in their attempt of fleeing (US: Tactical Retreating!) to see Japan walking up to his own house with a bag of new manga he had bought. "Um hello Japan. We came to visit it you, but we were just leaving because you were not home..."

"You can come in if you like." The Japanese man walked past the two statues and into his house. "Please take off your shoes at the door." He set the bag of manga on his coffee table and sat down on one of his mats, the other two nations following. "So Japan what did you buy?" Japan flushed pink and pulled the manga bag closer to him muttering something about 'new Doujinshii'.

"So what brings you two hear?" America and England exchanged a look, England rolled his eyes at America's terrified expression and readied himself to explain the situation. "FRANCEMADETHECOMPANYOF4KIDS!" America blurted out hiding behind England, Japan blinked at the outburst. "Nani?"

"He said that France made the company of 4Kids." There was a deadly silence in the room before Japan stood up abruptly. "Japan?" Japan's eyes were hidden by his hair the rest of face neutral. "Japan?" He lifted up his head suddenly and smiled with his eyes closed at the two worried faces of his friends. "I am fine. I just realized I left a volume that I wanted at the store. I will return shortly." He bowed slipping on his shoes and departing.

Once the door was shut England turned to America. "Well, that didn't work- America?" Said nation was trembling violently. "What's wrong? Japan's gone now. Your plan failed."

"N-no it didn't dude..he took his ninja sword with him..." England looked over in surprise to see that America was right. The sheath with the sword in it that was usually above the door was gone. "D-do we have to follow him now...?"

"No, I have camera's set up in France's apartment." America snapped out of his terror momentarily to look at England like he just became a hydra. "NOT FOR THAT REASON YOU IDIOT!"

"Geez! Geez I get it! I'm going to check out what Japan bought." England rolled his eyes and pulled out a mini TV with some ear buds, he flipped the switch on and put the ear buds in.

_France has just gotten out of the shower _(England almost gagged) _and was brushing his hair very carefully, one strand at a time. _(England rolled his eyes and muttered 'frog' under his breath.) _When there was a quiet knock on the door, "Oui! The doors open, come right in!" Japan slipped off his shoes and held the katana still in it's sheath walking over to the bathroom and knocking on the door. "Mr. France?"_

_"Oh Japan! I'll be out in a second." _(England could see the perverted expression on France's face and didn't like it one bit. He was becoming worried for the quiet Japanese man.) _France open the door and greeted- _

England snapped his head up at the sound of America's shriek that the ear buds fell out of his ears. "What's wrong!" America was staring wide-eyed at what looked to be a blank manga on the outside. "Git! Answer me?" America met England's eyes and flushed red. "Nothing!" He rose one fluffy eyebrow but decided not to push it right now. He stuck the ear buds back in his ears and blinked in surprise to see that France's house/hotel-room was completely empty. There wasn't even a drop of blood marring anything. Confused he hit the rewind button and continued off from where he left off.

_-Japan smiling warmly, it would have been nice if France had been wearing some clothing _**(-_-')**_. Japan adverted his eyes quickly. "Mr. France please put on some clothes..." _

_"But why~? L'Amour needs to be spread~!" He wrapped his arm around Japan's shoulders making the Asian nation stiffen. "Please stop touching me..."_

_"Did you come all this way to create L'Amour with moi~?" _("Hardly Frog.") _"No. I came to ask if you are in anyway associated with the company 4Kids?"_

_"Don't they dub things in English?"_

_"Hai."_

_"Yes, they-" France always seemed to be cut off, this time quite literally as Japan pulled out his katana and split him down the middle. He just stop there looking really confused before the two parts of his body fell away from each other. Japan used a nearby towel to whip off his katana and to transfer the body to the trashcan. He used some cleaning supplies he found and cleaned up the blood shutting off the lights in the house before leaving. _

England pulled out his ear buds and hurriedly saved the video; he shoved the technology into his pocket as he heard the door opening and Japan walked into the room holding a book of some kind book under his arm. America was so engrossed in whatever he was reading he didn't seem to notice that Japan had re-entered the room. England stood up and waved good-bye to Japan. "You coming America?"

"Um...You can go on I'll catch up." England shrugged slipping on his shoes and walked out of Japan's house. "_I need to make a note to edit the video to say 18th way to kill the frog._"

**Back Inside Japan's House:**

America turned to Japan still holding the manga in his arms. "So what is this?"

"It's called Yaoi."

"Do you have more?" Japan turned around and smiled a little slyly. "Yes. Just follow me." He showed America to his private library that was filled with all things Yaoi leaving him to do as he wished while he went and made a phone call. "Hello?"

"Miss Hungary, it's Japan."

"Oh Japan! What's going on?"

"America is currently reading some of my special manga."

"... I'll be over in two minutes." Japan hung up the phone and waited for his fellow Yaoi Fan-(insert gender here) to show up, while singing the Tokyo Mew Mew theme song.

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**Killing France is amusing even if it is quite short at times, hope you guys liked this~!**


	19. Switzerland and Yaoi don't get along

**Must-write-graphic chapter! *falls over* I'm trying T.T' I'll get it!**

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**19.) Now we need him killed by Switzerland for "corrupting Lichtenstein". (Anonymous) **

**World Meeting:**

England had learned of something that could be of use in killing France, he was so giddy and disgusted when he had learned that the sweet innocent Lichtenstein liked Yaoi. And her big brother Switzerland had no clue. So he planned on slipping an envelope addressed to Lichtenstein from France into Switzerland's bag containing some random Yaoi he found at the book store in Japan's country.

After doing so he noticed that America wasn't being loud or eating any of his heart attacks on buns. He was doing something unusual for America; reading. England almost did a double take and briefly wondered what had happened to the real America. "America?" Said American jumped about a foot in the air, stuffing a bookmark in the pages where he was reading and sat on the book. England rose one of the caterpillars the resided over his eyes at the hamburger loving nations antics. "What on Earth are you reading?"

"A bird about books!" England was about to tell him he was full of it when Germany called for silence and all the nations took their respected seats.

**2 Hours In:**

Germany couldn't believe how well the meeting was going, America and England weren't fighting, France wasn't flirting with anyone, Italy was paying attention, and everyone seemed to be in a good mood. They were actually getting something done; that's why when he saw Switzerland reach into his bag and pull out a small package he just knew it wasn't going to last and waited for all hell to break loose. He wasn't disappointed as Switzerland jumped to his feet and pulled out his rifle aiming it at France. "You sick perverted bastard!" Instead of the usual warning shots he pumped France full of enough lead to take down three elephants wearing body armor. Germany sighed putting his head in his hands as chaos broke out around him, he was starting to get a headache from it all.

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**Poor Germany, sorry that this chapter is so short. I didn't think it really needed to be very long.**


	20. Cut cut! Snip snip!

**YES! SOMETHING AWESOMELY GRAPHIC! Bawhahaha! :) Anyways, warning is that I'm bringing in an OC of mine, probably not very often though. So no worries~! Here we go~! Time to kill France~!**

**P.S: I love the non-graphic stuff too, but I need to make it bloody and raw sometimes. So, if you have a weak mind, I wouldn't read this if I were you. :)**

**PPS: I'm sorry this took so long...  
**

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**20.) Cut open France's legs, arms, hands, feet and torso, but only the skin layers. Go right through the muscles, and pluck out every bone inside his body :3 (****Anonymous)**

**England's House:**

England grunted in his effort to pull open his door while also pulling France's unconscious body along. He sighed in relief as he finally managed to pull the extremely heavy nation (seriously what had France been eating lately!) into his living room. What he saw when he got there though made his fluffy slipper eyebrows disappear into his hair line in both shock and awe. America was sitting on the couch reading one of those mysterious books of his while Russia rested his chin on top of the American's head; also appearing to be reading the book, while a girl of sixteen with short hair that was half black and half white hair rested her head on his shoulder **also** reading the book with her mismatched black and white eyes.

If England didn't know better he would say that they kind of looked like a normal family. Deciding he had to break the picture sometime he cleared his throat snapping the other three's attention to him. "Yo Iggy!"

"Hello Britain."

"Hey Scone-burner." His eyebrows twitched in irritation at the rudeness of younger nations, he also began muttering about ungrateful children. Then something odd (more odd than usual) occurred to him. "Why is Russia here?"

"He offered to bring food." England almost face palmed at how easily America was bought by that greasy slop he called 'food'. "I wanted to know what the Capitalist Pig wanted with Little Nekat."

"Not that it's any of your business Commie Bastard." Nekcat slid out from in between the two bickering nations and crouched down next to France. "So I can torture him?"

"To your hearts content. Or until his heart gives out."

"Awesome." She grabbed France's legs and dragged him to England's basement with a sort of ease that England hated. "Hope you don't mind, but I already set up my things downstairs."

**In England's Basement:**

France groaned as he awoke, he had once again been in his garden when one of the men in black came out of nowhere and knocked him out with a sharp blow to the head. His head was throbbing and for some reason he couldn't feel any of his body parts from the neck down. Also, he was completely naked; normally this wouldn't bother him so much if it wasn't for the fact that he was terrified for his life and well being. Focusing away from his nakedness his eyes darted around the room taking in the dim lighting and the metal rolling table with tools decorating it that was situated next to the one he was on. Finally they rested on Nekcat who was in the corner messing with what looked like a digital recorder.

"Oh good you're awake! That's awesome 'cause now I can get started." Turning on the camera she walked over to the tables and rolled up the sleeves on her shirt reveling her tan and pales arms laced with scars. Singing a song in Russian she plucked up a thin knife and with France watching in horror cut thin lines down each of his arms. The pain never came for France and the wounds inflicted didn't even bleed. She continued on opening up his hand and cutting off the layer of flesh. She however didn't cut any deeper past the skin, but instead focused on forcing the skin off of the muscle. Once the top of his left hand was skinned she stared at the pale skin licking her lips slightly. France knew of Nekcat's past and feared the worse of her eating him as she had in her days of being a cannibal under England's rule. However she just shook her head and threw it into a bucket that was under the table. Continuing on with her task she began a new song instead in English.

She did the same to the other hand as she did to the first discarding the skin she pulled free into the bucket. His blood wasn't flowing for some reason, and the muscles themselves were only twitching on the occasion. France knew he would become sick if he watched any longer, Nekcat saw and giggled at his slightly green expression. "You puke and you'll choke on it." France's eyes widened and he did almost feel his lunch come up. "I'm serious it's happened before." Before France could ponder on Nekcat having done this before she began cutting into his chest and traveling down to his stomach all the way to his pelvis. "Mon cher Nekcat, who told you to do this?"

Nekcat didn't like France's voice very much, so it wasn't a wonder she reasoned shutting him up for a bit. She decided on the proper response and got to it by taking France's dick in her hand and chopping it off in a clean motion before a speechless and very pale France's face. Smirking she shoved it into his mouth; although it didn't do a very effective job in shutting him up. She paid it no mind though and continued to cut off the skin of his torso throwing it into the her handy-dandy bucket.

Once finished she moved down to his legs cutting away until she reached the feet. She began skinning the skin off the tops as she had done on the hands before. Next she started on his toes reciting 'this little piggy' with each cut.

Setting down the knife she reached up one of her bloodied hands and wiped the sweat off her forehead. Nekcat hadn't bothered skinning France's arms so she started there; pulling apart the skin where she had cut she slipped two fingers into the slippery muscles.

France may not have been able to feel anything, but he could hear and see very well. Blood came up around the part of her hand that wasn't buried in his muscles and dyed her skin pinkish red as she dug around. Suddenly, her fingers hooked around her goal; giggling insanely she pulled the bone free breaking a few muscles along the way. France's face paled as she set the bone into her bucket and dived right back into her digging humming a sweet tune.

It took some time but she finally managed to remove all the bones in France's right arm. Moving onto to the hand and fingers she made quick work of removing all the bones. It was then that she noticed that the muscles that were still attached were beginning to twitch far more often. After dropping the last finger bone into the bucket she pulled a syringe off of the table and injected the fluid into France's neck. It felt like someone had poured boiling water into all over his nerves making them alive. He still couldn't move, but something was different now. He could feel everything; and he screamed because of it.

**Upstairs:**

England jumped at the scream spilling tea all over his new shirt. Huffing he went to change and vowed to make France pay for a new one later.

**Basement:**

"Scream. No one else can hear you and I don't mind." It was a lie and it was taking a chance to let him scream, but she didn't really care at the moment. "What I injected into you was something a vampire friend of mine came up with. It turns off most of the bodily functions, but enables the person injected to feel every inch of their body. Fascinating no?" Another scream ripped forth from France's throat as she started on the other arm; she just smiled and took this for a yes. Digging around in the muscle was heavenly to say the least; if asked she would say that the warm blood and the frantic twitching of the muscles around her fingers was as disgusting, but while alone she would savor the feeling. As soon as her index finger brushed against the smooth bone she curled around it and tugged it free. The pleasant pop it made when the bone disconnected from the other bones along with France's screams made Nekcat think of her days under England's rule.

She thought of the way her people fought and tore into each other while England just stood by not even bothering to help her. This made her angry and the next bone she hooked wasn't so gently taken out as the others before it, it snapped in half and several is not all the muscles surrounding it snapped with it. She cursed England under her breath for forgetting about her so easily after her disappearance and for messing up her enjoyment of her work.

Pissed she returned to her job with a renewed vigor; digging, gripping, and ripping through all of the arm bones as well as the hand and finger bones.

Next were the legs and she had great pleasure removing the knee-caps for the special screams France gave her and she didn't even mind the headache forming from France's screaming. As soon as she was done with both legs then came the really fun/her favorite part.

France was not however fairing so well under all the pain, he was reduced to occasional screams of pain in between his sobbing and begging in French. Nekcat didn't know any of the language and she quite frankly didn't care. She just giggled as she began with the pelvic bones; she was careful of the spine not wanting to kill him quite yet. Finishing, she went onto the rips, as she snapped off each rip she would giggle at the gurgle/gasp that would escape France's throat and the way his heart would speed up.

It had taken several hours, but Nekcat had successfully removed every bone in France's body; but for the spine and the skull. Now she just sat on a stool and watched France's heart and lungs continue the whole system normally as of everything was just fine and dandy, not even seeming to mind the ripped muscles and veins. France had finally fallen silent due to his raw thought; his eyes darted all around the room in a sort of lazy kind of panic. It all intrigued Nekcat very much but all this torture had made her hungry; she left her stool with France following her every movement with his eyes. She plucked up the bucket first and cleaned every bone of it's blood. The only blood left was on her fingers and she took great pleasure in watching the others revulsion as she licked each digit clean. Removing the finger she had been sucking clean of blood from her mouth with an audible pop she smirked at France who looked as he wanted to hurl, but lacked the strength to do so and walked back over to stand over him.

"Well, this is the end of you. For now French Bastard." She took one of France's rip bones and punctured it straight through one of his lungs and his through heart. She found it quite poetic for one of the things that was meant to protect him killed him. France gasped, pink foam coming to his mouth as his body struggled for breath. Nekcat left him there and went to turn off the camcorder smiling at it sweetly. "This is the 20th way to kill Francy-pants." She cheerfully said before switching it off and heading upstairs.

**Upstairs:**

Once Nekcat made it upstairs she was met with two disgusted and slightly shocked stares as well as one proud looking one. Her clothing was covered in France's blood and there was a piece of muscle in her hair. Not to mention a smear of dried blood on her forehead. "So what's for dinner?"

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**Hope this didn't scar anyone, also hope no minors are reading this considering my warning.  
**

**Again I am so sorry this took so long for me to update, but last time I tried to edit it my internet shut down just as I was saving. I was crushed and had to wait a little while before I had the strength to continue. Well, I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter~!  
**


	21. So there were more rabbits than intended

**I'm back~! Did ya guys miss me? If you did I'm pretty sure it's because you want another chapter of '1000 Ways to Kill France' well here it is! Enjoy it in good health~!**

**21.) Death by a cute rabid bunny (CucumberAnt)**

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_**World Meeting:**_

It's safe to say that France wasn't killed for quite awhile after the last incident, everyone involved was too traumatized (but for Nekcat because she was pleased with herself and Russia whom was proud of her). Though by the time the next world meeting rolled around both Iggy and America were both ready for some killing of the Frog action. "I don't think this is the best idea..."

"Nonsense Iggy! I'm the Hero and the Hero is always right!"

"If you were really the 'Hero' as you put it you wouldn't be doing this."

"..." America wasn't going to say anything to that even if England did have a point, he was going to do the American thing and pretend the point didn't exist! "Just don't get us killed." America grinned over at England who's eyebrows had furrowed and become one giant caterpillar. "No worries dude! I'm the Hero!"

"That's what worries me..."

"What was that dude?"

"Nothing you git!"

The meeting was about to begin and every nation was in their seat (but for Germany who had, had a really bad feeling and had stayed home sick) waiting for America to get up and host the meeting. So said nation/hero ran up to the podium and began talking about how awesome he was and everything. "-and that's what we should do about commie bastards! Anyways our next issue is about wild rabid rabbits. So to demonstrate the problem I brought an example!" He pulled off the table cloth spilling papers and water glasses everywhere to revel that the table was actually made out of a bunch of cages with at least fifty rabbits.

England deadpanned writing on a cardboard and holding it up for the camera's. America then released the rabbits of war; they all attacked France as planned, but soon got bored biting and tearing from something dead and set their sights on the rest of the nations.

There was much screaming, blood, and a lone cardboard with writing laying on the floor as everyone attempted to flee the deranged rabbits.

_**#21 way to kill France...and everyone else.**_

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**Okay so it was uber short! But come on! I was laughing my ass off writing about killer rabbits! Please tell me I'm not the only one who enjoys a little bunny humor? Till next time then~! Bwahahahaha!**


	22. France meet Wok Wok meet France

**I'm pretty proud of myself, I've written a bunch of chapters in only one day. That's pretty awesome! I think the sudden morbid interest might be due to lack of sleep .' Hehe, anyways~! More gory yumminess~!**

**22.) Have England mess up his magic and turn China into a girl and tell him he blackmailed England to turn him into a girl. Death by Wok! (nekojuliet)**

* * *

_**England's Basement:**_

England had finally willed himself to return to his basement after Nekcat had left it a mess three months ago and he was quite happy to be back to working on his magic.

This time he was trying to use a spell that would instantly make anyone who ate his cooking love it. But England being England when it came to magic it just didn't work out. So, it wasn't much of a surprise to England when he heard angry pounding on the front door. Sighing he hung up his black cape not wanting to get it dirty if whatever nation it was waiting for him was much more angry than necessary. Peaking through the windows he saw a very angry China holding his wok; only China seemed a bit different, but England just couldn't place what was so different about him.

Giving up he decided to answer the door anyways; this might have been a bad idea when he later reflects because of his still throbbing headache five hours later.

As soon as the door was open China hit England with her wok. England's eyes almost bulged out of his head when he saw China, "China...you're a girl..." for this he got a wok to the face. "YOU! You turned me into a girl aru! Stupid nee-ka-poop!" China raised her wok above her head ready to strike some justice into the stupid British man's head.

"I only did it because France blackmailed me into doing it!" China paused at this looking at England, slowly she lowered her wok of death and decay. "Why aru?"

"He said that you would be easier to get into bed if you were a girl!" England had his hands up protecting his face just in case China decided to kill him anyways. "Alright aru..." China was walking away when England reopened his eyes. He saw the male-turned-female country get into her car and drive away. He ran back into the house and dialed America's number. "Yo Iggy! Wassup bra?"

"Where are you, you git!"

"About to have a meeting with Russia..."

"Well, drop that and get over to France's place with the camera!"

"What! Dude! I thought you had the camera's up!"

"I didn't have time to go set them up at France's new place because my boss has been piling paperwork on me!"

"Why can't you get over there then!"

"Because you have the camera!"

"..." Silence on the other end, until England heard an annoyed sigh. "Fine! But YOU get to explain to Russia why I didn't show!"

"..." America hung up not waiting for England's answer, he put up his phone and changed into his men in black uniform before heading out to France's place.

_**France's Place:**_

"Ah, such a beautiful sunrise! Today is looking to be fruitful!" France smiled sipping his wine as he watched the sun rise from his new patio. Then he noticed something strange, a small black figure flopped over his fence and into the backyard. He screamed in horror and threw the glass at the black figure which he knew to be one of the men in black and ran inside.

The door bell rang almost scaring poor France half to death, shaking he looked out the peak-hole to see China. Sighing in relief he opened the door pulling a surprised China inside and hiding them behind the couch.

"Let go of me aru!"

"What are you doing here China?"

"I'm here to kick your ass aru!"

"Why?"

"You know why!"

"...?" France tilted his head in confusion. "Qui?"

"You had England turn me into a girl aru!" France looked China up and down grinning lecherously. "Oh I see."They both heard a crash of something entering the kitchen.

France yelped and China was about to speak when he covered her mouth with his hand. His other hand (accidentally? Or not?) going to China's chest and rubbing her new boobs. She bit his hand and took her wok bashing the Frenchman's head until it kind of reminded America of road kill.

"Dude! You may look like a girl, but you don't hit like one!" He slapped a hand over his mouth when he realized he had said that out loud. "America? Aren't you supposed to be meeting Russia aru?"

"Yeah, but I blew it off to come videotape France dying."

"You should probably go before he kills an innocent bystander aru..."

"Naw! He wouldn't do that!" China gave him the look only women can give men when they are being stupid. "...Okay so maybe he would! But I doubt it would be on purpose! The guys an over-sized five year old!"

"Still aru..."

"Okay I'm going! I'm going! Sheesh! No need to nag!"

"Either you stop treating me like a girl aru or I collect on your debt now!" And suddenly America was gone.

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**I'm feeling as if I'm showing less and less France each chapter...GASP! Is this fanfiction actually developing a plot! Is that even possible! Thanks guys for reading the newest chapter of '1000 Ways to Kill France'! Reviews and suggestions for killing France are always welcome~!**


	23. It's the Koolaids fault

**Okay, one of my favorite reviewers (and also person who comes up with a lot of awesome ideas) IrishMaid came up with this awesome idea a few chapters ago, but... I can't do it because I'm not sure how. However! I will probably take bits and pieces from it! Hope that's okay?**

**23.) Death by explodey chair (awesome on a bun)**

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_**World Conference Room:**_

"Do you really think this is a good idea...?"

"Of course it is!"

"But what if they get mad at us?"

"How can they get mad at us when we're doing them a favor!"

"I don't know...but I might get in trouble with Mr. Russia..."

"Why?"

"He's dating Mr. America..."

"Nothing to fear! That's just a rumor spread by the fangirl nation community!"

"You sure?"

"Positive! Now help me set up the cameras!"

"..."

"Hmmmm~"

"But what if Mr. Russia sits in the chair instead of Mr. France! He'll know that I was involved and he'll hurt me badly!"

"I promise Russia won't sit in the chair! Just chill! Besides how would he even know you would be involved! Do we know what number their on?"

"Estonia said they're on number twenty-three..."

"Great! Now those stupids jerks will have to acknowledge me as a country!"

"..."

"Great! Are we set up?"

"Yeah, but for the record. I still think this is a bad idea..."

"Nonsense! You have nothing to worry about!"

"I hear them coming! You better hide!"

"What why! I'm a country too you know!"

"I know! But the others don't think so! Please just hide before Mr. Russia or Mr. England catches you!"

"Let that stupid British-jerk-of-jerks try to run me out of another meeting!"

"But if he see's you he may suspect something and you won't get recognized by the other countries!"

"...Okay! But hide in this closet with me!"

"Wha-!"

"Shhhh!"

_**Outside the** **Closet:**_

"Did America even show up aru?"

"Nyet. I tried calling him, but it went to voice mail...I wonder if he's okay da?"

"I'm sure he's fine aru."

"You really think so?"

"Yes. He's probably playing his video games and didn't notice the phone was ringing."

"Thank you China for the cheering up!"

"Your welcome- ack! Don't hug me Ivan!"

"But Yao!"

"Don't start that! You aren't a little child anymore Ivan! Stop acting like America aru!"

"Hello you two."

"Hello England."

"Hello aru."

_**Inside Closet:**_

"British-jerk-of-jerks..."

"Shhh..."

_**Outside Closet:**_

"Did you guys hear something aru?"

"Oh bloody hell not another ghost!"

"That was not ghost last time. Was only Canada da?"

"Who?"

"Who aru?"

"Never mind..."

"England do you know if America is coming to the world meeting aru?"

"I'm afraid not. He has a cold."

"..."

"Russia?"

"Russia- Ivan! Where are you going aru! You can't just leave aru!"

_**Closet:**_

"You sure they're not dating?"

"They're not! Stop being a worry-wort! He's probably just going to pommel him for not picking up his phone!"

"Poor Mr. America..."

"Better him than you!"

"..."

"Oh! French Poodle as entered the glory house!"

"Um Sealand?"

"Shh! No! I am 'Nation'! You are 'Little Red'!"

"Why does my code name always sound like a girls!"

"Shut up!"

_**Not Closet:**_

"Bonjour Black Sheep!"

"Hello Frog..."

"Where is the little American?"

"He's sick today, Frog."

"That's too bad~! Poor little cochon!"

"Everybody sit down! The World Meeting will now begin!"

"Ve~!"

"Italy, you too..."

_**Closet, Da?:**_

"Oh! Oh! Look!"

_**Nyet, Not Closet...:**_

"Qui? My name is on this chair?"

**_Closet Aru!:_**

"He's going to sit in it!"

"Sealand...please stop shaking me I can see..."

"He sat! HAHA!"

"...He exploded..."

"Well, yeah! There is no better way to kill someone than with explosives hidden under their chair!"

"So...you're saying that anyone could have sat in that chair...?"

"Yep...?"

"SO MR. RUSSIA COULD HAVE SAT THERE!"

"Don't fear! I wouldn't have let him!"

"What the bloody hell are you two doing in here!"

"Um well you see-"

"TWENTY-THIRD WAY TO KILL FRENCH POODLE! HAHAHAHA!"

"..."

"..."

"Is he snorting Kool-aid again...?"

"I thought I hid it all this time, but he must have found it..."

"..."

"..."

"I see..."

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**All Dialog chapter~! Really hard to do...Well, tell me what you thought of it! Might do another one in the later/near-by future! Well. See ya!**


	24. Deranged Green Teddy Bear

**Hello everyone~! Yes, it's me again! Aren't you all just happy to see me? XD Haha, probably not; but do not despair I bring another chapter of '1000 Ways to Kill France'~! This chapter is actually one of my own ideas (I know shocking right?). Hope you guys enjoy~!**

**24.) Use England's magic to teleport France into Happy Tree Friends. **

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_**Iggy's Basement:**_

"You really cleaned up in here since my last visit!" England clinched his teeth trying not to strange the other nation. If he really thought about it he really wanted to strangle Russia for suggesting the smaller nation help him with killing France while America was sick. He had needed to close his eyes to try to calm himself; he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Hello eyebrows? What am I supposed to do?" When he opened his eyes he was face-to-face with the un-amused Nekcat. "Just go get France while I set up."

"Okay." He watched surprised as she turned to go. "Y-you're actually going to do as I said!"

"Yep. America's sick and Russia asked. I wasn't doing anything anyways." She exited the basement rolling her eyes at the total idiocy of the question.

England shook his head and got the ingredients down from the shelves and set them by his caldron. He pulled out an old volume from the shelf and set it open on the ground where he could see it. Pulling on his black cloak he watched surprised as Nekcat came into the room with France over her shoulder. Only she looked a lot worse for ware. "What happened to you?"

_**1 Hour Earlier:**_

Nekcat had gone up to France's door ready to kick it in and kidnap said nation. Only she found it was already open. Peeking in was probably her worst idea yet. Someone hit her over the head with a frying pan; her first thought was Hungary, but that was a stupid guess. Then she saw France running away down the street screaming something in French like the mad man he was.

She sat up feeling sick from her head injury, but shrugged it off and took off after France's fleeing form. Nekcat still couldn't be a hundred percent sure if France had set up the traps or if the whole French community was against her. But either way she collided several times with a telephone pole and almost fell back on someones garden gnomes. Righting herself she saw France leaping over a couple of fences.

She would have asked how the French Bastard was doing it all if she wasn't so concentrated on catching him and not dying in the process of doing so. Going over the fences proved to be pretty hard since she hadn't been in a war for a while and was a tad unfit; not to mention there always seemed to be a rose bush on the other side for her to fall into.

Before long she had lost him as she climbed over the last fence and into another rose bush. Nekcat was extremely unhappy; she had cuts all over her body and leaves in her hair as well as some thorns. Fine, if she couldn't catch her target it was time to outsmart him.

France was so glad when he had finally escaped Nekcat; he already knew she was working for the men in black. He had set up a trap awaiting for one of them to show up, he figured Nekcat entering was just as good and whacked her with a frying pan much the same way Hungary did. Then he made a mad dash for it down the escape route he had planned.

Once he was sure that he had lost her he returned to his apartment. Unfortunately, Nekcat was waiting for him and she didn't look too pleased. He was about to make another run for it when she punched him; knocking him out.

_**Present Time:**_

"...I don't want to talk about it..." She set France's body in the caldron crossing her arms. England decided not to push it and gave Nekcat a black cloak. "Yes, you have to wear it!" He said before she could protest. "Okay." She slipped it on and pulled on the hood. England began his spell and before long there was a flash of smoke and France was gone.

Nekcat coughed waving away the smoke. "Was that supposed to happen?"

"Yes! Now let's see if it worked." England pulled out a TV set and turned it to a channel.

"What's 'Happy Tree Friends'?"

_**With France:**_

France groaned as he sat up looking around at the Un-famaliarness of the room. "_Where am I?_" Sitting up he watched as what looked like a military bear entered the room. "_Who are you!_" When he tried to say that out loud it only came out a grunts and hums in his throat. The bear seemed kind enough as he handed him a tray of food. "_Um thank you?_" The bear nodded seeming to understand as he watched France eat.

"_Thank you, it was very good._" The strange bear took the tray and walked out of the room. France decided he had nothing better to do, but to follow his strange new friend. "_Do you know where I am?_" The bear didn't respond, just washed the dishes. "_Excuse me? Who are you?_" Still nothing. France was becoming a bit irritated. "_Stop ignoring me..._" Finally the bear turned around when France touched his shoulder. The bears eyes seemed to diolate and this look of pure evil settled over his features. "_Do bears even have features?_"

"**WE DO NOW!**"

The screen went black as there were chain saw noises.

Just Kidding.

The bear did take out a chainsaw though. He sliced off France's fluffy pink legs (Yes, France is a unicorn.) cackling the like phychopath he is. Next he took France's chopped off legs and stuck them in a blender. He took the blended legs and made France drink the concoction until he drowned in it.

The military bear snapped out of it and looked in surprise down a France's cute fluffy red body. "Uh oh..."

_**Back with England and Nekcat:**_

Nekcat and turned to England with a serious look on her face. "What's that look for?"

"Your magic actually worked..."

"..." England's massive eyebrows twitched much to Nekcat's amazement. "GET OUT YOU GIT!"

* * *

**Nothing like dying at the hands of a deranged green teddy bear ^.^**


	25. France should stop being France

**Hi ya kiddies! Forever-sweet here~! And look what I've brought!**

**Warning: Death, France, and use of human names.**

**25.) All his one night stands gang up on him with baseball bats (IrishMaid)**

* * *

_**France's House, 2:00 AM Thursday:**_

France wasn't sure how it had happened, but he was pretty sure that he would figure it out. While he was being beaten to death by baseball bats wielded by several men and women he had, had one night stands with and had never bothered to call afterwards; France swore that he would discover the identity of the men in black and make them pay!

_**Russia's House, 10:00 PM Wednesday:**_

Russia was having a rather lovely dream about being in a giant field of sunflowers when loud knocking, pounding, on his door woke him up. Usually Russia is always pleased to have someone come visit him, but today was not the day for it. He had, had a headache earlier from staying on the phone too long listening to Poland talk about some dress he saw in the store that day. He had also had trouble getting to sleep because he had been worrying about what to get Yao for his birthday (he had finally decided on a new plush Hello Kitty doll and gotten out of bed to order it).

Finally. Finally! He drifts off to sleep and someone has to come visit him ten minutes later! Grumbling he got out of bed and swore to make whoever it was at the door freeze to death. He grabbed his pipe and scarf before stomping over to the door opening a slot in it and peeking out. He face softened and he blinked in surprise from seeing a shivering blue eyed and blond haired Amerikan with a stubborn cowlick on top of his head.

He quickly unlatched the door and un-did all the locks to let the freezing idiot inside. "Amerika! What are you doing here!"

"I-I-I!" He sneezed loudly covering his mouth a few seconds too late. "I need to borrow your phone..." Though with his stuffed up nose it came out as 'I nreed to bowo your bone'.

"That still does not answer why you are here! Why did you fly all the way to Russia to borrow my phone as you put it!"

"Because! ACHOO!" sniff sniff "England isn't home and I need someone to help me..." Russia was a little taken aback that Amerika would come all the way to his home to ask for help. He sighed when Amerika sneezed trembling lightly. "What do you need done?"

"What...?"

"You are sick, da?"

"Well, yeah..."

"What do you need done?"

"I need to call all of France's ex's and tell them to go over and beat him with baseball bats..."

"...? I will do it while Amerika is sleeping."

"What! Why do you think I came here! This is not a one person job dude!" He broke off into a coughing fit.

"Just give me the numbers and go to sleep da?" Surprisingly he didn't argue, just handed over the rather thick book to the Russian country and went to lie down on the couch. After making sure Amerika wouldn't be too cold and that he was asleep he went into his office and picked up his phone. He decided on calling Amerika's president first to let him know his country wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere. "Hello, President of the United States speaking."

"Здравствуйте! Mr. President, this is Russia." The other line was silent for sometime before the President spoke again.

"Yes?"

"I was calling to be telling you that Amerika is crashed out on my couch sleeping. There is no need to worry. Good-bye." He hung up the phone and flipped open the book eye twitching at the long list of names, most in French and the rest in just about every language you can think of. Sighing he picked up the phone and went to work thinking that he shouldn't have been surprised in the least.

_**White House, 10:20 PM Wednesday:**_

The President stared at the phone for the longest time before dialing a new number and waiting for someone to pick up on the other end. "Nǐ hǎo. This is China speaking."

"The is the President, can I ask you to go to Russia's house and make sure America doesn't start another Cold War with Russia?"

_**Russia's House, 1:45 AM Thursday:**_

Russia sighed stretching and sitting back in his chair. He had just finished calling the last of the people in the book; it was surprisingly easy because most didn't pick up/went to voice mail/number had been disconnected. He decided he was done and went to check on Amerika one last time before heading to bed himself.

Completely unaware of the fact that China was coming over to make sure Amerika wasn't dead.

* * *

**Hm, this one didn't really focus on France much because he's been hit so many times in the head that I doubt it matters if I describe it again.**


	26. No Intention of Telling

**Number 26~! I'm so happy! I didn't think I'd make it this far~!**

**Warnings: France, Kumajirou kidnapping, and one pissed off Canadian.**

**26.) Trick France into playing a hockey match against Canada, who thinks he stole Kumajiro. (Electric Plum)**

* * *

_**Canada's House:**_

Canada noticed right away that something was off. He didn't hear any quiet yawning from the end of his bed, the feeling of warm weight being lifted from his feet, or the feeling of soft paws pawing at his face asking where was it's fish with maple syrup.

Where was Kumahita?

He pulled the covers off of himself and looked under his bed where he sometimes found the polar bear snoozing, but nothing. He checked his whole house before going into the kitchen and seeing a note taped to the door. He ripped it off reading it; he wasn't stupid. He recognized his brothers hand-writing in an instant, but what the message said was entertaining if not down-right maddening.

**I HAZ YOUR POLIAR BEER! MEET I FOR HOCKEY MATCHZ OR THEZ POLIAR BEER GETZ ITZ! - France**

Canada didn't know whether to be amused or annoyed at his brother; oh well, as long as Kumapuffa was fed.

_**France's House:**_

Something was off; France knew as soon as he woke up that something bad was going to happen to him today. After taking a shower (and brushing his hair strands one at a time) he got dressed and headed downstairs to see a note taped to his refrigerator.

**France, I want to meet you for a special activity ;) - Canadia Eh**

Who was France to deny little Canadia (whoever he/she was) even if the note wasn't written in French (like the letters they sometimes exchanged). He went back into the bathroom and took another shower (brushing his hair strands twice!) and put on his best clothes to meet the little he/she.

He could have sworn he heard a noise and thought it was the men in black, but it was just his new little poodle Para. Striding out of the room he eye-raped his own reflection before getting into his car.

Once the door to the house closed America fell from his hiding place with a sneeze as he had just finished hooking up the new camera's. "Damn-it, where's Iggy? He should be doing this not The Hero!" Said 'Hero' sneezed again blowing his nose on one of France's curtains.

_**Hockey Rink:**_

France looked around outside wondering where he was (Canada) and where was the lovely he/she who had sent him the note? He wandered to the front of the building and saw another note along with a pair of skates.

**I'm inside, put these on and meet me in the rink ;) - Canadia Eh?**

Canada was amused at his brother's attempt at fooling him, but he was full of tension lately and needed to let it out and hockey was always a nice way to do that. He was in his pads and skates and waited for France to enter the rink. Finally said country skated in; naked. Canada face palmed but ignored France's state of dress. "His funeral..."

"Bonjour my lovely~!" Canada rolled his eyes not surprised the other didn't recognize him. "Get your hockey stick and get on your side of field!" It did come out as a yell instead of his usual whisper, it also startled France onto falling on his ass on the ice. Canada rolled his eyes and began the match, he took great pleasure in 'accidentally' hitting the downed France with his hockey stick whenever given the chance.

France had actually tried to play the game, but he was getting slammed into the glass a lot by a very aggressive Canada. He did manage to get the puck; for about three seconds before Canada's stick hit him in his vital regions. He went down again and almost had the fate of being sliced up by hockey skates.

He did score one goal, but it was by total accident. This only proved to piss off his opponent; who slammed him into the glass hard enough to knock out two of his teeth. After one particularly hard slam left France dizzy; he felt his eye lids getting heavy and fell asleep.

Canada watched France until the other nations heart stopped beating. He took off his helmet and looked dead on a security camera where he knew his brother was watching. "Give back Kumamita before I beat you to death with a hockey stick."

Sadly the cameras didn't have sound, America couldn't read lips, and England had no intention of telling him his brother was going to kill him.

* * *

**And another time France's bites the dust!**


	27. The world has gone insane

**Hey Everyone! Okay this Author's note is going out to IrishMaid, since this is the only way to get a hold of her/him (Don't want to assume)! I noticed that you liked the pairing of Fem!Ireland x Russia. So instead of putting it in this story where it would be swallowed up, I'm going to make a one-shot for it. Sound good? Okay! Also, thanks everyone for the reviews! I love hearing the feedback! On with the story!**

* * *

**27.) England goes cannibal on his ass.**

_**Nekcat's House:**_

Nekcat wasn't one to ask questions; not when TUCD bombed her country in World War 2 for no reason or when her new leader was 16 and had the name of a type of burger. However...when the refined gentleman country of Britain comes to your house in the middle of the night asking how to be a cannibal; she can't help, but wonder if the world has finally gone insane. "Are you out of your fucking mind!"

"Sadly, no."

"Than why!"

"Because I lost a bet with Frog. He said that I have to go to one of the countries I disliked the most and learn something important from them."

"BUT WHY CANNIBALISM! WHO ASKS FOR THAT SORT OF TEACHING! WHY NOT CRUNTA!"

"STOP YELLING! America said this might be helpful in killing Frog."

"England, I am not going to revert to being a cannibal again just so you people can tease me about it for about another century! Go ask one of the five cannibal tribes I have in my lands! I'm sure they'll be of more help!" England looked thoughtful before nodding. "I think I will. Thank you."

"When you get eaten, don't come crying to me!"

_**Two Weeks Later, Germany's House before the World Meeting:**_

"Ve~ Germany? Why are we staying home?"

"Because I don't feel like going to this meeting."

"Why~?"

"I just have this feeling..." Italy shrugged as Germany called them both in sick, before telephoning Japan and warning him.

_**World Meeting:**_

"It seems that we are starting the meeting now!"

"Where are Italy, Germany, Japan, and England aru?"

"Dunno! Playing hooky maybe!"

"I doubt seriously that Germany would 'play hooky' da?"

"He might! Not everyone enjoys coming to these meeting like you do dude!"

"Kolkolkol...You think I like having to come to meetings just to watch you stuff your face with that radioactive garbage you call food da?"

"You probably get off on it!" China sighed as Russia beat America over the head with his pipe while muttering something in Russian. "Germany just called himself and Italy in sick, and Japan called about being stuck under an avalanche."

"In spring aru?" Greece shrugged falling back to sleep. "Does anyone know where England is? France do you..." China blinked looking around for the French nation who had **just** been sitting in the seat in front of him. "Has anyone seen France aru?" Everyone shrugged looking around; the only ones who had noticed where Canada and Nekcat. "_It seems he took my advice to heart..."_

Canada was watching in sick horror as England ripped out France's throat with his teeth dining on the piece of flesh like it was a scone and not originally attached to something living.

Nekcat rolled her eyes standing up and leaving the room. "Nekcat! Where are you going aru?"

"_Amateur..._"

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**If anyone is worried about Nekcat showing up more, don't be. It'll probably be quite a few chapters before she returns. Till then! Reviews are always welcomed with open arms~! If you do review Cannibal Iggy with give ya a kiss!  
**


	28. OO Poor Cannibal Iggy

**This next one has me wondering how to make France sound depressed enough to hug...**

**28.) France get smothered to death by being the perv that he is by Ukraine's massive chest. (IrishMaid)**

* * *

_**England's House:**_

"AMERICA! Let me out of here this bloody instant!" England banged on the door to his cell, where his former colony had locked him in. "I'm sorry dude, but no can do!"

"Why not!"

"Because all the other nations agreed that you needed to be locked up until you get the craving for human flesh out of your system!"

"I was just a cannibal that one time! Let me out of here America!"

"Dude! There is no such thing as one time!"

"At least let me help you with killing the Frog!"

"And be near the possibility of blood and flesh falling off the bones! No!"

"...I'm fine though!"

"Iggy you're drooling!"

"I am not! A gentleman does not drool!"

"Well, a 'gentleman' also doesn't eat people! I'll be back in three hours to feed and water you."

"I AM NOT A DOG YOU GIT!"

"Bye~!"

"GET BACK HERE AND GET ME OUT OF THIS BLOODY CELL! AMERICA! America! ...Alfred...?

_**Ukraine's Home:**_

Ukraine heard loud knocking on her door and hoped it wasn't her brother asking for her to pay him in his money. "I am sorry, but I can not pay you back yet!"

"What? Yo Ukraine! It's America, not your creepy brother!"

"Mr. Amerika? What are you doing here?"

"I just came to see if you knew about France?"

"What about Mr. France?"

"Oh, so you don't know... France's dog Para died..."

"What? Oh, how sad!"

"Yea...he's been real down in the dumps since then...I thought maybe you could come and cheer him up...?"

"Of course! Let me go get my coat!"

_**France's House:**_

True to America's story, France had come home to his beautiful poodle being eaten by that Black Sheep of Europe. He had been crying in misery about it for days while hiding in his much more spacious linen closet. The knock on his door however drew him out of his hiding. After eating bowls of ice cream and throwing darts at England's face for a couple of days he was finally feeling a better.

"Who is it~?"

"Yo France! It's America and Ukraine! We came to see how you're doing after your dog's death!"

"Mr. Amerika! You shouldn't say things like that!" Too late. As soon as America had said that, France had burst into another set of tears. "Oh you poor thing! Ukraine will give you a hug so you can feel better!"

France's perverted instincts kicked in and he happily excepted her hug. Burying his nose into Ukraine's huge tracts of lands, but as all things eventually do the situation turned quite sour when he found he couldn't breath in any new air. He struggled, but Ukraine only found this weak flailing a sign that he needed a tighter squeeze. Unfortunately for him; France passed out, then passed away. When Ukraine let go, France's body hit the floor and she screamed bursting into her own set of tears. "I killed him! Oh no!"

"No don't worry! He's fine, just cried himself to sleep."

"You really think so...?"

"Yeah-"

"Oh thank you Mr. America!"

"No prob-LEM!"

_**England's House:**_

"Hey Iggy I'm back!"

"You stupid git! You left me alone in here without anything to do!"

"Iggy...? Have you been crying?"

"WHAT! N-NO!"

"Come here."

"No! America get away from me! Remember I'm a cannibal now!"

"Come here Iggy~!"

"AMERICA!"

"..."

"..."

"Feel better now?"

"Yes..."

"If I let you out you promise not to eat anyone?"

"Yes..."

"Come on then! Let's go get something to eat!"

* * *

**France is dead.**


	29. Nothing like a dip!

**Ah! This is the sweet life! Sitting at home, eating good food, and oh yeah! Killing France's over and over again~!**

**29.) Death by drowning in wine (Sailor Sadist)**

* * *

_**France's House:**_

France knew it was a great idea to get a swimming pool filled with wine! It felt great on his skin whenever he swam in it. Today was one of those days that had been stressful and all France wanted to do was relax by swimming in some wine. So he stripped off all his clothes and dived into the pool.

While the French Man was swimming around a rock was dropped from his balcony onto his head. This knocked him out cold face-down in the wine.

_**France's Balcony:**_

Russia didn't understand why he had to wear the all black costume, but he went ahead and did it anyways. He picked up his radio and flipped the switch to on. "Hello? I killed him. Can I have my reward now?"

"_Yeah, yeah. Don't get your knickers in a bunch, America's already been sent to your house through the mail. Be expecting him in a hour. England out._" He switched off his radio and joyfully left.

* * *

**So that was pointless and random da?**


	30. Wow what a fail

**30!? OMG THIRTY! WOOT!**

**30.) How 'bout some Italian driving? :D (Huntress of the Dark Moon)**

_**France's House:**_

France stood puzzled beside his brand new car, someone had removed the whole engine from it. "Ve~! Big brother~? What is wrong~?" Italy parked his car beside the distressed France's dead car. "Oh~ Italy! Its just that someone removed the motor from my car."

"Ve! That's terrible! You can ride with me if you want!?" France grinned perversely. "Thank you mon Italian~!" France hopped into Italy's car and barely had enough time to buckle his seat belt when Italy began driving at extreme speeds.

"WEEEEEE~! ISN'T THIS FUN~?! WE SHOULD GET SOME PASTA~!" Italy was bobbing and weaving through traffic while France's head became reminiscent of a bobble heads. Finally it snapped off all together.

**I feel like a fail... CURSE YOU WRITERS BLOCK! T.T**


	31. FrUk to send anyone running

**O.O' I am a fail as a fanfiction writer, it took me far too long to write this -_-' I'm sorry everyone! I was really busy with school and I was having a horrible case of writers block! And lazyitis, no I will not be discontinuing '1000 Way's to Kill France'. I got this far didn't I!? Just don't expect any good updates or really frequent ones.**

**Warning(s): FrUk, crude jokes, France, and America being generally stupid. Yaoi also, so boys (if there are any) beware.**

* * *

**31.) If any Hetalian could screw themselves to death, it's France. (Guest)**

_**France's House:**_

France wasn't sure how he had been suckered into having dinner with America. In his experience, every dinner that involved America or his country ended up with him dead in some weird type of fashion. Still, America was looking quite buff lately and France couldn't pass up the chance to have dinner with the attractive American. Also, Canada was coming over as well and France diffidently couldn't miss the chance to talk to two brothers into a threesome.

_**America's House:**_

"America...I don't think this is such a good idea?"

"What do you mean dude?"

"Killing France with Viagra..."

"Why!? It will be quite the bang!" America sniggered and Canada face palmed, he turned back to the camera he was setting up and talking into the mic he was wired with. "Why are we agreeing to this plan again?"

"_Because the git has been in a foal mood all week and this was the only way to cheer him up._"

"By killing France with...sex?" Canada whispered the word like it was the root of all evil (**I guess in a way that would make sense...or at least in this fanfiction**). "_Yes, I will admit it is not one of his best ideas._" Canada heard a sigh over the other end and finished wiring the camera. "Can you see me?"

"Not really, you seem to be blurring? Is there something wrong with the camera?"

"Not at all. It's working just fine..." Canada sighed and stepped down from the ladder stashing it back into the closet. The doorbell rang and Canada straightened out his clothes, he could already tell this was going to be a long night.

_**1 Hour Later:**_

Canada wasn't sure who he wanted to kill more, America for being an idiot and going on and on about 'being the hero' or France for his lecherous stares directed at said Canadian. Finally it was time for dessert and Canada took this opportunity to get away, he all but ran for the kitchen as soon as he could. He found the bottle of wine poured three glasses, he paused and picked up his own glass drained it in one gulp and then refilling it. He pulled out a container with crushed pills that England had given him and dumped it into France's drink. There were at least 20 pills smashed in there and Canada wasn't sure if this was actually lethal or just plain stupid. Either way, there he went.

He brought out the drinks and set them on the table going to retrieve his own.

America looked at the two drinks panicking as he realized he didn't know which drink he was supposed to take. So, he grabbed the drink near France and took a sip. France shrugged and took the other glass, draining it of it's contents. Canada re-entered the room and resigned himself to hearing America go on and on, fortunately France received a phone call. He checked the number and was surprised to see the Black Sheep of Europe was calling him. Excusing himself from the table he went outside to answer it.

_**England's House:**_

_"Bonjour, moutons?"_ England gritted his teeth and kept from responding venomously, lest he ruin the whole plan and have to listen to America complain about it for the next month and a half. "Hello Francis~" England felt like he was about to gag on his own tongue, and by the noises he could hear over the phone it sounded like France had already swallowed his. England hoped so, so he wouldn't have to go through with this, sadly he figured the universe hated him when he France's shocked tone over the phone. "_ Angleterre?"_ England needed to swallow his pride for the next part of the plan or he would explode from sheer disgust and self loathing. "Oui."

"_What can I do for you Angleterre?" _France sounded absolutely gleeful, England felt like he would throw-up and stay in the bathroom for a few days, washing his brain and mouth. "Do...you want to come over and have 'a roll in the hay'?" There was silence over the phone and England thought for a second they had been disconnected, oh he did hope. "I will be over faster un lapin sur le feu!" Then he hung up, England slumped and slowly felt his soul slipping away. After this was over he was going to kill America, and through he would never admit it he was a bit excited.

_**America's House:**_

France rushed back into the house like a bat out of Hell and grabbed his coat off of the hook almost putting it on backwards. He wasn't sure how much longer England was going to be insane enough to sleep with him, so he wanted to take advantage of the offer while it was still good! He went to tell the brothers good-bye, but found Canada was sitting at the table alone, nursing a bottle of wine. "Where's Amerique?"

"He went to the bathroom in a hurry, must have drank too much. Where are you going?"

"A more...pressing... arrangement has been called to my attention! Say good-bye to Amerique for moi!" And then France was gone like a speeding bullet. Canada picked up his headset and spoke into it. "He's on his way."

"_I will need a long shower and over a hundred scones for the horrors I shall soon be witness to...bloody hell._"

_**England's House:**_

England paced the hallways nervously, at the current moment he wasn't sure which he hated more, America or his idiotic plan. The next part of America's said plan was that he was supposed to give France another dose of Viagra. Then let the the perverted Frenchman do vulgar things and untold horrors to his body. He was about to abandon the whole thing when the doorbell rung, he froze and shivered nervously. He hoped if he stayed still enough France would just turn around and leave. No such luck as the doorbell was rang two more times, finally England gathered up his courage and hid away his dignity.

He answered the door with a smile that looked more like a grimace in a poor disguise. "Mon Angleterre~! How nice of you to come around to my way of thinking!" France waltzed into the room like he owned the house and England vowed to bleach it afterwards or burn the whole place to the ground, perhaps with France in it. He was pulled from his fond daydreaming of torching the carpet by France pulling him into a strong and passionate kiss. For the sake of keeping up his image (**and the plot of this chapter**) he kissed back, but he didn't like it! Not at all! (**F-S: Liar. **UK: SHUT UP!)

The kiss lasted far too long in England's mind (**less than a minute**) and he was growing bored of it when he felt a tongue prodding at the bottom of his lip, he squeaked (UK: A manly squeak! **F-S: NO SUCH THING!**) and drew back. Ducking under France's arms he ran down the hall and into the kitchen. His hands shook as he poured the wine into two glasses spilling most of it onto the counters and pulled out a full bottle of Viagra, he crushed all the pills and dumped them into France's glass. Returning the might nation of Britain gulped when he saw France was lounging on his couch his shirt discarded. He almost spilled the drinks as he squeaked (UK: It is manly damn it...), France winked making England turn as red as one of Spain's tomatoes. He was having mixed feelings on this whole plan now.

"Mon Angleterre~! Wine!? How thoughtful~!" France took the wine from England and drank it watching England tremble. Smirking, he assumed it was due to England's extreme excitement and delight, when in reality it was actually from intense self-loathing and a need to drown himself in a bucket of acid. France drained the last of the glass and set it on the near-by table before pulling England into another long kiss. This time he was successfully able to penetrate England's mouth with his tongue because the Brit was a little more loose with alcohol in his system. What he didn't expect was the kiss to be taken over by the overly (**evil?**) demanding Briton. His tongue was forced back into his own mouth and England began probing France's mouth as he undid the Frenchman's belt.

**(Explanation for Iggy's sudden semeness? I'll give one while Iggy tries to work out the mystery of how a belt works! Anyways, it would turn out that England was more nervous and excited than we originally thought. So, he drank two glasses of whiskey before France had even shown up. Now back to your regularly scheduled killing of France!)**

England finally unfastened the button on France's pants and was working on getting it down the Frenchman's legs. Meanwhile, France was getting impatient by England's slowness. He wiggled out of his pants and reached for England's own clothes, but was stopped by England grabbing his hard-on roughly. He gasped and his heart sped up as the drunk Iggy stroked him, he was feeling oddly sensitive that night and cummed quickly. While he was gasping for air, he had regained his erection and England had begun playing with it. His heart sped up again and skipped a beat. England stroked slow at first, but built up speed slowly and every time he did France's breath would catch and his heart would speed up until all he could hear was the pounding in his head.

Finally France was nearing his end, when he finally came his vision turned black and his heart stopped beating all together. England put his ear to France's chest and didn't hear any thumping, grumbling he got up and resolved to kill America after he was sober and had taken care of his new problem.

_**America's House:**_

Canada shut off the screen of his laptop looking a little green in the face, it was just creepy seeing his former guardian get off twice. That's when he noticed that America was still missing, curious he went to the bathroom and knocked on the door. He got a moan in return and Canada thinking that his brother was in danger opened the door. As soon as he did the image was seared into his brain and no amount of head banging would ever remove it.

America's back being supported by the sink, jerking off while moaning lewdly his eyes closed so he didn't notice the intrusion. Canada was horrified and it took several moments until he was able to jump start his brain and ducked against out of the doorway, his heart hammered in his chest and he struggled to breath. After he had regained his breathing he picked up his house phone and quickly dialed a number, though he had to redial it twice, because his fingers were trembling so badly. "_Ah, Canada? What is wrong?"_

"America is masturbating in his bathroom." Canada wanted to bang his head against the nearest solid object, he couldn't believe he had just said that out loud and so straight forwardly. There was silence on the other end, Canada had his breath held and he sighed in relief as he heard an awkward cough on the other end. At least the other hadn't died. "_Why?_" Canada really couldn't believe he was having this conversation about why his brother was masturbating, with another man. That sounded wrong in Canada's head, so very, very wrong. "I think he might have taken the glass of Viagra that was meant for France."

"_Why were you giving France Viagra? I am pretty sure France and Amerika's bodies work very well."_

"It was America's idea for killing France!"

"_Ah. I see._" There was a clearing and a throat and a shuffling noise. "_Put him on._"

"Now!?"

"_Now._" Canada wasn't quite sure where all of this was going, but it had to be pure and utter madness, that was the only explanation his mind would offer and the only one it would except. He covered his eyes and attempted to walk back to the bathroom to give his brother the phone. Unfortunately, this had the opposite of the desired effect and he just ended up handing the phone to the shaking America and running out of the room. Trying to keep from screaming as he rushed out into the woods.

* * *

**I am pretty sure that is not what you had in mind, but I hope it was still good anyways. I kept putting off writing the other scenes...ugh...but I did get it! Yay! Hope this wasn't too bad guys~! ^ ^ I'm going to try to do another one tonight and post them both at the same time~! Keep a look out and until next chapter my sick kittens of the night!**


	32. Yum maple syrup

**Good evening children and welcome to another chapter of '1000 Ways to Kill France'! For those of you who have noticed that I have been absent, good for you and thank you for being concerned! I am not dead, though my Hikari threatened me several times with bodily and mental harm if I did not update soon ^ ^' So here we are once again! Lights, Cameras, annoying American's!**

**Warning(s): Misuse of perfectly good Maple Syrup, a weird version of Canada, and an angry nation (hint: It's not Russia).**

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**32.) have him over at Canada's again, going on a "maple syrup factory tour" and have him drown in a vat of syrup (IrishMaid)**

_**Canada's House:**_

Five nations waited awkwardly in the living room of said Canadian's house. France, America, England, Ukraine, and Russia had all been asked to attend Canada's grand opening of his very own syrup factory. No one was really sure why Canada had decided buy a syrup factory, but they figured it must of had something to do with him disappearing into the woods outside America's house for two days. That was three weeks ago and this was the first any of them had heard of the small Canadian. "Thank you all for coming." A smooth voice said from the now open doorway, everyone had been straining their ears for the small whisper typical of Canada, but instead someone else had shown up. At least that's what they could tell by the voice, Ukraine was the first to turn towards the doorway and the glass of water she had been holding hit the floor with a gasp. Ukraine taped Russia on the shoulder and he too turned around blinking. "Mattvey?"

Said normally quiet Canadian was standing in the doorway in a neatly pressed suit, his wavy hair had been cut to the style of a business man and slicked back with gel. His curl was neatly tucked behind his ear and he was wearing a pair of new glasses that sat on the bridge of his nose. His voice was strong and had a more prominent accent of a Canadian. "Woah bro! What happened to you!?"

"Living in the wild for a long time has taught me a valuable lesson. That if I want to be noticed I must be confident!" The others stood in shock and silence. "But...you were only in the woods for two days!" America exclaimed trying to keep his voice from cracking. "Time is merely a date on a calendar or a number on a clock, I was out there spiritually for a long time." Ukraine looked close to crying, Russia noticed and his purple aura appeared. He turned around to face America and England, his pipe firmly in hand. "You broke Mattvey, I will have to hit you quite violently for it."

"It's not our faults, and since when were you on a first name base with Canada?"

"That is none of your concern." Russia turned back around and stashed away his pipe, he needed to protect his poor sisters feelings. Even if he had to beat Canada over the head many times for him to return to normal. "Shall we go?" Canada turned around without waiting for the response and strutted off, everyone followed, though America, England, and France a bit hesitantly due to Russia's increasing purple aura.

_**Canada's Maple Syrup Factory:**_

While Canada was busy explaining about how maple syrup was processed and bottled France took Ukraine over to the side and began flirting with her. Canada had only noticed a few moments and felt the color leave his face. He didn't want France so much as looking at Ukraine, but he felt as he always did so helpless. He thought once he had changed his look he would become more confident, but it had only worked a small while. Now he was left feeling small and a little invisible.

Ukraine looked over at Canada, she didn't want to talk to France all that much. She wasn't in the mood to humor him, she just wanted to talk to Canada like she always used to, but every attempt seemed to brushed off or ignored. She understood why Canada had changed, but she didn't like it one bit. She wanted the old Canada back.

France noticed that Ukraine's mind had wandered off and he tried to recapture her attention by groping her chest. Everyone was frozen in shock, but for France who was still groping. Before either Russia or Canada had gotten a chance to move, Ukraine pushed France backwards into a giant tank of maple syrup.

Everyone watched as France sunk to the bottom of the tank and drowned a sugary death.

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**Fufu, wasn't sure how to go about this one, but I like the way it ended~! Keep a look out for the next chapter of '1000 Ways to Kill France'! Also, I like crossover ideas for killing France, so feel free to suggest~!  
**


	33. Nutty

**Odd, that's all I can pretty much say about this chapter XD lol just plain odd! Hope you don't mind how I did this chapter CucumberAnt!**

**Warning(s): France, Russia's pipe in the hands of America, and another Happy Tree Friends crossover chapter ^ ^**

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**33.) Death by random fruit because fruit is delicious (CucumberAnt)**

_**Iggy's House:**_

"Iggy~! I'm bored!"

"Then go somewhere else you git!" England rolled his eyes as he added another ingredient to his cauldron. "Hey Iggy? Whatcha doing?" England gave a 'manly' screech and dropped the whole of the bottle that he had been holding into the cauldron. "Oops..." England wiped around and glared at America, the bubble behind him turned pink and started churning violently. "You idiot!" England tackled America to the floor just before the cauldron exploded. Pink goo flew everywhere, somehow managing not to hit either nation. There was a small poof and Flying Mint Bunny appeared in front of England's face. "Are you alright England!?"

"Yes, I'm quite alright." England smiled at Flying Mint Bunny patting the small green winged rabbit on the head. "Dude...why are you talking to thin air?" England's eye twitched and he grabbed the nearest object, a ladle in this case, and bashed America's head in until the man was dead. Standing up he went and rinsed off his hands. "Stupid git messed up my spell work and now I have to start all over. Let's just hope for his sake nothing horribly unfit happens."

_**France's Living Room:**_

France was sitting in front of his TV watching The Vampire Diaries while munching on a fruit arrangement. Suddenly, out of nowhere a green squirrel with candy sticking to it appeared out of nowhere and landed on the edge of the bowl. France had no time to react as the sticks with fruit flew off of the plate and straight through his eyes. He fell off of the couch and twitched slightly, Nutty (the green squirrel) leaning over and peered at him curiously. Then he spotted the candy cane wine sitting on the edge of the counter and went to explore it.

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**I love Nutty ^ ^ If you don't know what Happy Tree Friends is, you need to go and watch it now. **


	34. Canada

**I'll admit that no one suggested this to me (if you did and I didn't notice, I apologize), but I saw a few videos and went about thinking that this was pretty awesome ^ ^ So here I am~!**

**Warning(s): Nekcat, Snapped!Canada, and it's going to be pretty gory children~!**

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**34.) Snapped!Canada**

_**Nekcat's House:**_

Nekcat mused on how to get out of doing her paperwork that her current boss was forcing onto her, but was having a hard time coming up with an excuse. She didn't notice when the doorbell had rang the first time, she almost never got visitors, not even Russia wanted to try to get through her people to get to her house. She had to conclude that it wasn't her imagination though when she heard it ring two more times. Sighing she swiped her paperwork into a drawer and went to open the door, grabbing her lamp post on the way. She opened the door way wide and made to keep hidden, the person hesitated before walking in. They left foot prints of red on her carpet and she mentally sighed at the future chewing out of her boss, if the boss survived to see it of course. The person also seemed to be dragging something wooden behind them, Nekcat moved the lamp post higher up ready to strike until she heard a familiar voice.

"Nekcat...?"

"Canada!?" Said bloody Canadian wiped around to face Nekcat, she lowered her lamp post and stared at him in disbelief. "Святое дерьмо dude! What happened to you!?" The wooden thing that Canada had been dragging had been part of a hockey stick at one point in time. Nekcat closed the door with her foot and set the lamp post down, she held up both hands eying the Canadian for any scratches, there was none which meant all the blood was foreign. "Matthew, please put down the hockey stick..." She kept her voice soft as she slowly approached the frightened blond. He raised the stick in a defensive way and Nekcat stopped moving all together, not even daring to breath. "Matthew, it's Fangise, please drop the stick...It's okay..."

His lips trembled, but he did as she said. He hugged the smaller nation almost crushing her as he sobbed into her shoulder. She patted his back and hugged him back, whispering comforting words. "You need a shower, love." Canada sniffed and nodded letting himself be led to the shower. "Through out your clothes and I'll have them burned. I'll bring you a new pair and make some tea, then you can tell me what happened, oui?"

"...oui..." She took his clothes and lit a match burning them outside, a few passersby's looked her way but didn't stop to ask questions. Burning clothes was far to common in the country of Nekcat for anyone to actually care. She returned inside and fished through her drawers, she found an over sized shirt Ukraine had given her and a pair of sweats she had bought for around the house. She set them outside the door and warmed up the water for tea. It took half an hour, but finally Canada emerged from the bathroom and sat down next to her on the couch. They sipped tea for a while before Nekcat interrupted the silence. "What happened?"

"I'll tell you it from the beginning..."

_**6 Hours Earlier, America's House:**_

Canada softly knocked on the door to his brothers house, he had just come from hockey practice when he got the text for him to meet America and England at America's place. The door opened relieving a smiling America, he grabbed Canada's wrist and dragged him into the house. Canada tried to question him as to what he was doing there, but America just rambled on about some new way to kill France. Only he wasn't actually being clear as to how this was supposed to happen. He dragged Canada to where England was sitting at America's kitchen table drinking tea. "Good Evening Canada."

"Hello England. What is this all about?"

"Dude! We figured out a new way to kill France and we need your help!"

"But...I don't want to help kill France." Canada might as well have not said anything at all, the way America talked over him in his loud tone. "First we'll need some wire, and or course we're going to need to set up some camera's in your house to capture everything-"

"I don't want to kill France right now!"

"What do you mean you don't want to kill France!?" America stared at Canada like he was the crazy one not considering great plans for killing the Frog. "Now..."

"Canada." It came out firm and bitter. "Right Canadia, there is no need to get angry we are merely asking for your help."

"It's Canada."

"HAHA! DUDE! You just said your own name wrong!" America doubled over laughing obnoxiously, even England cracked a smile, but he hid it behind his tea cup. Canada still saw it though and his face flushed red in anger. "America my name is Canada not-"

"Dude! You can't even say your own name right! HAHAHAHA! What country can't do that! Even the commie bastard can get his own name right!" Something inside of Canada broke and he found himself not a second later smashing his hockey stick against America's head causing it to splinter. A trickle of blood sprouted from America's temple and he groaned in pain. With a sadistic smirk Canada grabbed America's golden strands and smashed the others face into the tile. "My. Name. Is." Three smashes splattered blood over Canada and the tile floor, some of the blood also hit the stunned England's shoes. "Canada!" He yelled and hit America over the head with the hockey stick, said hockey stick broke in half. Canada stared at it before laughing insanely low in his throat. "I always knew you were hardheaded America, but this is just too funny! And where do you think you're going!?"

England had attempted to sneak out the back door while Canada had been distracted, Canada moved faster than he could see and slammed him into a wall. One of the hockey sticks ends in hand, he gabbed it up through the stomach, under the ribs, and into England's heart. England stared in shock down at the red blossoming from his stomach, as if he couldn't believe it. Canada stepped away and admired his handy work, he heard groaning and the sound of wet flesh scraping against the tiles as America tried to crawl away. England gave a wheeze before dying, Canada took the hockey stick out of his stomach and slammed it into America's hand. A scream tore from the other blonds throat, hairs lifted on Canada's arm and he laughed at the pathetic sobbing. "Not so much the Hero now. Huh Al?"

He stood up and stomped down on America's neck, a satisfying crack left the room silent, but for Canada's lone breathing. He giggled and picked up the other end of the hockey stick, he walked out of the house and towards a much more fruitful goal.

_**France's House:**_

France wasn't on high alert per-say, but he wasn't completely off guard either. So, when he saw a bloody Canada climbing in his window he made tracks very quickly. Unfortunately, it would seem that Canada is a really good throw, he skewed France's groin to a near-by wall. His face seemed to be frozen in the insane smile, he pulled back a fist and his France over and over again. "It's all your fault that everyone is ignoring me! Or trying to use me! Why won't you just stay dead you useless piece of flesh!" He kept hitting France until the Frenchman was dead and even then he still carried on.

He broke into tears not to long after that and slumped to the floor crying his eyes out. He pulled the end of the hockey stick out of France and ran down the street to the nearest use of transportation that would take him to Nekcat.

_**Present Time:**_

After he was finished re-accounting the story, Canada had broken into another round of sobbing. Nekcat let him cry and when he had cried himself to sleep she picked him up and set him in her bed. She tucked him in and went to cleaning up the place completely. Once every single piece of evidence that would remind her friend of what he did was gone she picked up the lamp post and quietly left the house.

_**America's Drive-Way:**_

Russia had received a distress call from America a few hours ago and would have responded quicker if his sister hadn't been attached at the hip to him. Finally he managed to escape her and made it to America's house, he was surprised by the impressive blood trail leading from the house. He blinked in surprise and pulled his pipe out of his coat, Nekcat pushed past him and he let her. She looked pissed off and was carrying what looked like a lamp post for a living room lamp. "Malyutka?"

"Da?"

"Don't hurt him too bad, da?"

"Nyet. No can do! He upset Canada and I will have to teach Alfred why he shouldn't make his brother cry." Russia looked thoughtful before tucking his pipe back into his coat and turning away from Nekcat and the house. "Fine, but I was never here and you never saw me."

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**What did you all think~!? Yes, Nekcat is friends with Canada. I feel really bad for torturing the poor Canadian :( Also, I apologize if there are spelling mistakes. I did not feel like proofreading this. One of these days I'm going to go back and fix all the mistakes in my early chapters.  
**


	35. The Young Mouse named Rick

**Mein Gott 0.0' I think these ways to kill France are getting gorier and gorier...I love it!**

**Warning(s): Character death (duh) and small rodent type creatures.**

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**35.) Have some kind of small animal go inside his mouth during the night and eat his insides (CucumberAnt)**

_**America's Basement:**_

When France woke up he was staring up at the dark ceiling of a basement, he was also wondering how he always managed to get himself captured. He would have screamed, if not for the duct tape covering his mouth, when he saw one of the Men in Black standing next to the surgical table he was laying on. He recognized it as the same one Nekcat had tortured him on (**the table, not the man in black, boy wouldn't that have been awkward O.O'**). He felt uneasy as silence stretched on, the man in black just stared at him without saying a word. Then suddenly the man moved and picked up a cage containing some type of rodent creature.

The man ripped the duct tape off of France's mouth and shoved the rodent creature down his throat, he pulled off a new string of duck tape and stuck it over France's mouth.

He sat back and relaxed watching the show with mute interest. France felt the small ball of fur try to crawl down his throat, but it was too small, what with France breathing and all. So, the mouse (thing?) decided to resolve this issue by gnawing through the flesh surrounding the windpipe, France screamed through his make-shift gag and balled his hands into fists. Tears streamed out his eyes and his breathing became more labored as the rodent crawled down ward and into his body, more gnawing and soon the rodent was near his heart.

He thrashed as the thing tickled his heart and moved upwards away from the delicate artery and towards France's brain. As soon as the mouse-creature-think reached the inside of his head it began gnawing on the cord attaching France's eyes to his brain. Once it snapped, the eyes fell out of their sockets and a waterfall of blood gushed out. Within moments France was dead and the rodent was happily munching on his brains, once he was done he wiggled out of the holes that once held eyes.

England picked up Rick carefully and put him back into his cage. "Good boy, maybe next time you'll go into his pants first."

* * *

**Ah, Iggy. So cruel~! Was editing almost typed, 'male-shaft gag' yikes...and yes, the mouses name is Rick. This will not be the last time you see Rick :)  
**


	36. Return of the Sealand and Latvian!

**Kekeke~! Time for another chapter of '1000 Ways to Kill France'~! And a return of two more characters~!**

**Warning(s): Sharp implements in the hands of a wannabe nation and his Latvian Sidekick. Brief mention of a certain violent OC.**

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**36.) Have two horrible surgeons play Operation on France (CucumberAnt) **

_**America's House:**_

"Hey Iggy~!"

"What do you want you wanker?"

"Where's Sealand and Latvia~?"

"In the basement playing with a frog."

"I thought France wasn't here yet...?"

"Not that type of frog you idiot!" England rolled his eyes and slipped his luke-warm tea in temporary silence. "Where's Russia?"

"He is getting France as we speak."

"UGH! How long does it take to get one French person!?"

"I'm not sure. That abomination you and Russia have claim to, seemed to have trouble catching him."

"Wonder why...?"

_**Somewhere in a French Neighborhood:**_

France hopped over another fence and ran across the street, he dodged through a neighbors yard and ran down a near-by road.

A large hand grasped the edge of the surprisingly sturdy fence and heaved himself over it. Panting he followed after France around corners, only being able to glimpse the edges of the Frenchman's blond hair before it disappeared over/under/through yet another obstacle. Russia was beginning to question his eating habits at the beginning of this race and right about now he was vowing to exercise more if he was going to be chasing after France often.

He finally _almost_ caught up to France, his hair slipped right through his fingers as Russia fell into an open-manhole.

_**America's House:**_

America was dozing off, so when his cell phone suddenly started playing Rasputin he jumped. England rose one of his impressive caterpillars, but didn't make any comments on the choice of song. America dug into his pocket and pulled out his cell answering it in a slightly grumpy voice. "'Ello?"

"_Ah. Amerika. I might be a little late._"

"Why's that dude?"

"_I am, how do you say it? 'Stuck between a rock and a hard space'?_"

"How hard?" America didn't seem to notice the questioning and slightly horrified look he was getting from England. "_I seem to be getting a lovely tour of France's sewer system._" America grimaced at the thought and munched on a randomly appearing hamburger. "Dude that sucks." '_But at least there aren't any piranhas_.' He thought munching on sandwich thoughtfully (more like a starving animal).

"_Actually it smells._"

"Haha, how long will it take for you to get back here?"

"_Quite a while...you seemed to have neglected to mention that France is a national runner in his country._" The bitter Russian voice almost caused America to choke on his burger. He popped a fry into his mouth grinning, of course he knew that France was a great cross-country runner, but why would he tell Russia that? It wasn't like the other had asked or anything. "Oops. It must have slipped my mind~!"

"_Pull another stunt and your mind will not be the only thing **slit**._" America gulped and gaped at his phone, as if it had committed the most evil of all evils. "What was that about?" England snuck a fry from America's bag when he thought the other nation wasn't looking, munching on it thoughtfully (this time it is thoughtfully).

"Russia's in the sewers."

_**The Sewers:**_

Russia shoved his phone back into his pocket and continued wading through the smelly waters.

After he got out of his own little piece of hell, he'd need to speak to France about open-manholes in his country and America about with holding information from him.

Finally he reached the end of the tunnel where he saw a light and a ladder leading up to the surface world. Climbing up he poked his head out and almost got it chopped off by a car. Luckily he managed to duck in time and also saw France running towards the manhole. Taking this opportunity he waited and counted to himself quietly until he was sure France was close enough.

As soon as France tried to jump over the manhole, Russia's hand shot up from the hole in the ground and gripped France's legs pulling him into the smelly sewers that were complete with a sewer monster.

_**America's House:**_

England smelled the stench before he actually heard the door to the house slam. Russia shuffled into the room, half drowned looking and smelling strongly of waste and something England had attempted to cook and had as left-overs for a week. He had an unconscious France thrown over his shoulder and was frowning deeply. His plan of grabbing France and dragging him into the sewers had backfired seriously, he had underestimated France's weight and this had unbalanced him sending them both into the putrid water below. He was just glad he had decided to not wear his favorite scarf and coat today. "I got him."

"We can see that." England wrinkled his nose and pinched it to keep the horrible smell at bay. "Awesome dude! Now go put him downstairs and take a shower!" America was grinning his normal 'hero' smile, but he was too clutching his nose. Russia glared at the two of them and went down to the basement, he came back up France-free and threw one last glare before going to rid himself of the smelling goop on his person.

_**America's Basement:**_

Sealand stood on a stool next to Latvia and stared down at the unconscious France. "So w-why are we doing t-this again?"

"Because this will get me recognized as a country for sure!" Latvia winced and wanted to comment that nothing Sealand did would ever get him recognized, but he didn't want to burst his friends over-inflated bubble. "Let's get started! Knife!" Latvia, trembling, handed the other a rusty knife. "Is this stuff really safe to use?" Sealand shrugged and cut into France's stomach. "Dunno." France's eyes snapped open and a loud girly scream echoed inside the small basement.

_**Upstairs:**_

England almost spilled his tea on himself, unfortunately it had hit the carpet. He silently cursed and wished that children these days would keep it down while torturing someone. America looked up from his milkshake and chuckled darkly, it has begun. England retreated out of the room to go get a rag to clean up his mess, while America rubbed his hands together is a very villain like gesture.

_**Basement:**_

Sealand fumbled with the knife and accidentally stabbed France in his side. France screamed like a little girl again and Latvia covered his ears in fright. Sealand with quick thinking not usually common for the nation,took off one of his gloves and shoved it into France's mouth. The bloody garment seemed to do the trick in shutting him up. All he could do was breath out of his nose roughly and let his heartbeat thunder in his chest like a hummingbirds heart. Sealand rubbed his ears in pain and gestured for Latvia to give him the screwdriver.

Latvia reluctantly handed over the screwdriver and a couple of screws to the clearly insane wannabe nation.

"Hammer." Latvia obeyed and turned away from the sound of flesh squishing and feeble screams of French. He didn't want to see of hear it, but he couldn't just leave his friend all alone. He almost ran upstairs when he heard a hoarse begging in French, but then he remembered that Russia was upstairs. It would probably be safer if he stayed down with the torturing of France.

A tap on his shoulder broke him out of his thoughts and he turned back to the other, Sealand handed him the hammer and a nail, Latvia wasn't sure what was said. His ears were ringing and all he could hear was his own heartbeat in his ears, but he noticed that Sealand was gesturing for him to hammer a few nails into France. He suddenly felt faint and sick.

Latvia took the tools with shaking hands and climbed up onto the stool that Sealand had just occupied. He pressed the tip of the nail into France's belly button and hovered the head of the hammer over it. France was staring at him with eyes wide in terror and Latvia felt his fear, he wasn't sure if he could do it. Actually he was pretty sure he couldn't do i- "You need to actually hit the nail with the hammer, don't just stand there and stare at it for a century." Sealand's voice next to his ear all of the sudden made the other small nation jump slightly, a warm hand wrapped around his own hand that was holding the hammer and pulled it back. Another hand grabbed his wrist with the nail and held it steady.

He didn't do anything to resist and just stood there while Sealand used his hands to hammer several nails into France's body. Somehow, he didn't feel as much sympathy for the other as he had before, and for some reason the lack of horror didn't bother him.

Sealand's chin rested on his shoulder and Latvia watched Sealand's concentrated expression as he carefully hammered in each nail. He was yanked back to reality when he noticed that the hands around his own were gripping more forcefully.

It seemed one of the nails had hit a bone and Sealand was trying to get it in all the way, despite the barrier. His tongue stuck out of the side of his mouth in complete concentration and Latvia was back to watching Sealand work away. He ignored everything around him, but for Sealand. Even France's loud screams and grunts couldn't disturb him,though he wondered how France had managed to get the glove out of his mouth, but only briefly. Then it was all over suddenly.

He blinked in surprise as he finally noticed that Sealand had withdrawn from him, he felt a little cold without the warmth. "You get it now? Can you do it on your own?" Latvia wanted to say no, but he ended up nodding yes. Then suddenly it was his own hands and his own power putting nails into France's corpse, for he had died a little while ago from bleeding and a few punctures to internal organs.

He didn't mind it, he could feel guilty when Sealand wasn't watching him with clear interest in his bright blue eyes. So, he kept hammering until there was no space left to hammer and France's body was completely cold.

Withdrawing he felt the weight of guilt crash over him and he dropped the hammer. However, he got over it quickly as Sealand hugged him. "That was awesome! Come on! Let's go tell that British jerk of jerks that we're done! Maybe he'll let us have ice cream!" Latvia let himself be dragged by the warm hand in his up the stairs, at the current moment he wasn't trembling. He actually felt pretty good, at least for now.

_**Upstairs:**_

Russia came out of the shower and realized he had nothing to wear. So, he just sat on the counter with a towel wrapped around his hips. Hoping that America would eventually figure this out that he was missing, he reached under the sink and pulled out 'Moby Dick' from the hiding place. He started reading, by the time America remembered him he would already be done with it.

He only hoped that Belarus wouldn't find him any time soon.

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**I'm so tired...must sleep!  
**


	37. Bbelarusplease go away

**I'm back with another slave-driven chapter of '1000 Ways to Kill France'! I am very sorry I didn't update this right away, because I had this chapter written for, like, three days already ^ ^'  
**

**Warning(s): Misuse of a limb and Belarus... (shudder)**

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**37.) Ripping off on of his limbs, preferably the leg, and beating him to death with it. (Weiner weenie guy thing)**

_**Russia's House:**_

France had first had mixed feelings from being invited to Russia's house for dinner, but something about him being tortured for many months if he didn't show up seemed to make his mind up for him. As soon as he stepped into the house though he regretted it. It was like a terrible darkness was hanging out the house and he could feel a terrible evil. He slowly turned to his left and screamed when he saw Belarus glaring at him from the shadows, her narrowed menacing eyes glowing like a cats in the dark.

France stood there for several minutes, just taking the time to mentally freak out before he attempted to run away and was killed. At least he wasn't in denial. Slowly he turned around and tried to make a run for it, but as was predicted he was tackled from behind by Belarus and one of his arms was savagely ripped off.

Screaming like a little girl, which he would later deny, all his limps were tore off non-to-gently by the violent pretty country.

"THIS WILL TEACH YOU ABOUT STEALING BROTHER FROM ME!" She beat him viciously with his own leg, once he was dead she turned to the camera that was hiding in the corner. She held one of France's legs to her chest and smiled sweetly (cruelly) up at the blinking light. "Brother~!" Then she threw the leg and skipped out of the house, on her merry way to find her big brother and ask (force) him to marry her.

_**England's House:**_

England copied the feed and America hurriedly cut off the connection with the camera. Russia shivered from behind the couch where he was hiding. He didn't even want to know how Belarus knew about the hidden camera and/or that he had been watching. He only hoped the other wouldn't figure out that he had been hiding out a America and Ireland's house.

* * *

**Sadly Russia, the world isn't big enough to hide you from your crazy schwester ^ ^' Also, if you guys hadn't notice there was a bit of foreshadowing for a later chapter~!  
**


	38. Pets

**Ah~! Nothing like killing France to wake someone up in the morning~!**

**Warning(s): Vicious nations, more pet kidnapping, short chapter, and character death.  
**

* * *

**38.)have America and England steal Finland, Canada, Prussia, and Iceland pets and blame it on France (HetaliaLover123)**

_**Finland's House: **_

Hanatamago was laying on the couch when he noticed a dark figure leaning over him.

_**Canada's House:**_

Kumajirou was bored waiting for his master to come home, whatever his name was. He was stuck at home watching re-runs of 'Jersey Shore' (**Shudder) **and eating his Canadian masters ice cream supply. Then he noticed a fish's head poking it's head around the corner, since when did fish live out of water? Whatever, it was food and the show was stupid.

_**Prussia's (Germany's) House:**_

Gilbird sat perched on a sleeping Prussia's head, he really wished the other would get up and get him something to eat. If he didn't soon he was going to go bother Prussia's brother.

_**Iceland's House:**_

Mr. Puffin sat on Iceland's couch when he was kidnapped.

_**America's House:**_

Hanatamago, Gilbird, Kumajirou, and Mr. Puffin sat around a small TV watching as their owners killed the perverted Frenchman. "Hand me the fish." Mr. Puffin held out his flipper, Kumajirou scooted the bowl away with his paw. "No."

"Give it here!" America had to pull Mr. Puffin away from Kumajirou before the polar bear thought kindly of eating the smaller animal.

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**Hm. I didn't know who Hanatamago was before this chapter and I haven't read anything about Iceland in a while XD I was in the total dark for this chapter, though I somehow did manage to write it! By the way, do not expect any updates anytime soon. I will be going back and editing the chapters so, that they do not suck as much.  
**


	39. Fangirls are frightening

**Did I ever say how much I love you people? Because you guys are seriously awesome! XD**

**Warning(s): Fan girls, brief author mention (that's right~! I'm coming in for a tiny bit~!), and the weirdest death yet~!**

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**39.)have America and England tell FrUk haters that France won Englands heart (HetaliaLover123)**

_**Author's House:**_

There was a mumbling of girls gathered around a long table, a few of the girls were holograms and were mumbling in their native languages. A girl with short blood red hair and red eyes walked into the room and raised her hand for silence, however no one was looking so she screamed at them to shut up. Everyone still ignored her and she tear-dropped. The black-haired girl known as H walked into the room and almost face-palmed.

"**SILENCE ALREADY!**" Everyone stopped talking and turned to look at H. She cleared her voice and motioned to Forever-Sweet who sat down at the table. "**Now that I have everyone's attention I would like to introduce America and England to the USUK fanclub.**" America and England came in through a side door and the room was filled with girly squealing within minutes. A girl on Forever-Sweet's left leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Isn't this majorly, like, breaking the fourth wall?" The authoress shrugged and whispered back. "**Probably, but I doubt it will be the first time it happens.**"

After everyone had settled down again England was able to speak to the crowd of (bloodthirsty) fangirls. "I am afraid you girls will have to disband this fan club." There were gasps all over the room and several curses in Finnish. (**1**) "But why!?" Cried one of the fangirls who in distress at the news, others around her agreed. One of the fangirls actually burst into tears and ran out of the room, the girl on her left went to go get her. "Because...I am now with France."

The room was silence, suddenly chaos broke all over the room. A chair almost hit England in the head, America yanked him out of the way before it actually hit the British nation. Instead it hit Forever-Sweet making her chair tip backwards. "**HEY! Why the hell are all of you mad at England!?"**

"**Yeah!You should all be really angry at France!**" Forever-Sweet voiced from the floor as she gushed a few gallons of blood onto the floor. The girls paused and considered this tid-bit before nodding to each other. Forever-Sweet sighed and sat back down. "**All in favor of killing France raise your hands.**" Everyone in the room raised their hands, but for England. "**It's settled then. Go get him girls.**" H waved her hand dismissively, the fangirls grabbed their pitchforks and torches. The all ran out in an old fashioned angry mob fashion. Once they were gone England shuddered and slumped over into a near-by chair. Forever-Sweet sat up and patted his shoulder. "**It's okay. At least you can rest easily knowing that one fanclub would never pair you with the frog. Also, you can feel safe in knowing that your memory will have to be erased to preserve the fourth wall of mein fic.**"

_**France's House:**_

France was enjoying a mud bath, he hadn't been killed in three weeks and he had finally begun to relax. He did groan a little however when the doorbell rang, he got up out of the tub not even bothering with a towel or robe and answered the door. Four pitch forks pinned him to the floor as a girl shoved her torch down his throat, another girl shoved her's up his ass.

_**England's House:**_

England and America sat on Iggy's couch watching as the fangirls tortured France and managed to keep him alive while doing so. They were curled up with a blanket over them and England was sipping some tea.

**Reason for it being a USUK fanclub? Have you guys ever seen how they battle it out with the FrUk lovers? It's quite brutal. Why am I the President? Because I like Yaoi and absolutely despise FrUk.**

**1: One of my fellow Yaoi friends is the Finland of our group XD**


	40. Global Ball anyone?

**People can be so cruel sometimes~! I love it~**

**Warning(s): Crazy fangirl reappearance and maybe from fourth wall breaking ^ ^  
**

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**40.)have them put France in a global ball and have it roll down a cliff (HetaliaLover123)**

_**Some Pub in the Middle of Nowhere:**_

As it would seem one fangirl had been too sick to attend the last meeting. So, she had missed out on her chance for killing France for taking away America's precious England. After two days of recovery and another two days of brooding she hatched an evil plan to get her revenge. She wrote a letter addressed to France from England telling him to come meet him in the 'Pud Which Shall Not Be Named' for a special 'talk'.

It was safe for her to assume that France would show up in ten minutes. Being the stupidly predictable person that he is, showed up. As soon as entered the pub she knocked him out with a rolling pin.

She hit him a few more times when he was down just to be sure. Then she dragged his unconscious body and put it into a global ball, she pulled a magically appearing foghorn out of thin air because this is a fanfiction and things like that happen. (**H: NO BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!**) Anyways...she blew the air horn and startled France awake. The global ball had been on the edge of the cliff and France's slight rocking had moved it off of the edge an onto the safe side.

Fortunately, the fangirl got annoyed and kicked the global over said cliff. Down and down it went, tumbling over the rocky cliff. The fangirl smirked down at her handywork as the French fancy pants was yanked this way and that way. Finally the global ball popped on a sharp protruding rock. The deflated rock feel into the water and through the hole red traces of French blood became one with the water.

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**H: Hello audience, I am Forever-Sweet's helper and backseat writer. I wanted to apologize for Forever-Sweet's lack of updates. We are working on getting some stuff up now and we hope you will all enjoy her actually updating. **


	41. Sheep Iggy?

**Hey everyone! Surprised to see me!? Ya me too, but mein Hikari finally got me out here to start updating again! It might take a while on other fics, but this should be updated daily. Yay?  
**

**Warning(s): Bed being set on fire and Iggy in a sheep costume.  
**

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**41.) set his bed on fire (HetaliaLover123)**

_**France's House:**_

France stared up at the ceiling, it was raining outside pretty hard and he wasn't sure if he could sleep after his last death. It seemed as if the whole world was out to get him, a random girl he didn't even know had pushed him over a cliff for wines sake!

"Mon Dieu..." He closed his eyes and started counting sheep to try to get it out of his mind and maybe catch some sleep. "1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep." It seemed to be working, his fatigue was starting to catch up with him. He stretched his hands back behind his head and continued his counting. "4 sheep, 5 sheep, 6 sheep." He was beginning to feel a little hot under his covers so he kicked them off of him. "7 sheep, 8 sheep, 9 sheep." His neighbors must have been smoking again, because he could swear he smelt something burning. However he kept counting because he was used to it.

"10 burning sheep, 11 burning sheep, 12 burning sheep." France stopped counting as instead of Arthur dressed as a sheep skipping across his vision, there were actual burning sheep. His eyes snapped up and he attempted to sit up, only to get dragged back down by his wrists. He was hand cuffed to his bed by his own fluffy cuffs. He wasn't sure how and was beginning to wonder if he should even start to guess anymore, but his bed was on fire.

"Mon Dieu..." He screamed and tried to put out the fire with his unclothed legs, perhaps it was not the best time to sleep in the nude. The fire soon spread to his skin and he gave up on trying to put it out, since it clearly was not working.

He heard faintly, over the crackling of his own flesh, a familiar tune. He looked over in shock to see one of the Men in Black sitting on his dresser with a camera. It sounded like the man in black was humming something, but he couldn't remember where he had heard the song before.

His mind was becoming fuzzy with the smoke (or was melting due to the heat) so he decided he would have to think about it later.

America watched as France stopped struggling all together and the fire finished consuming his body. "Let's have a weeny roast, a truly lovely weeny roast." He kept singing softly as he turned off the camera and extinguished the fire. Stretching his stiff limbs, he couldn't believe he had, had to hide in France's closet until the other had finally fallen asleep. He shuddered at remembering the other man undressing and winking at his reflection in the mirror.

He grabbed the camera off of the dresser and hopped down. America faintly wondered is he could get England to make him a hotdog so late in the night. Though, maybe he should just go order one to keep from having it burned.

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**What did you all think~? I edited this while listening to a Disney song 0.0'  
**


	42. Kidnapping of the Romano

**O_O' I swear I will always forget to update and then remember and be like 'oh shit! I forgot to update again!' T_T for that I am truly sorry... I has chapter?**

**Warning(s): Angry Spain, Kidnapping of Romano, return of America's notes, and Character death (Ha!)**

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**42.) how France die by Spain's hands to be more exact his Axe. By making Spain believe France kidnapped Romano. (nekojuliet)**

_**Spain's House:**_

Romano sat on the Tomato eating Bastards couch reading a magazine when the doorbell was rung...over and over again. "HOLD IT ALREADY! I'M COMING YOU STUPID BASTARD, JUST STOP RINGING THE FUCKING DOOR BELL!" He set aside his magazine and reluctantly shuffled across the floor, he looked through the peep-hole and saw no one. Growling he walked back to the couch, but as soon as he was getting ready to sit back down, the door bell rang again. Whirling around he stomped back to the door and flung it open. "WHAT THE HELL-"

_**Two Hours Later:**_

"Lovi~! I'm home~!" Spain picked his keys out of his pocket and pushed them into the lock. He opened the door and set his bag of groceries in the kitchen while he went to look for his sweet little tomato loving Italian. He checked the couch, but all he found was a cooking magazine laying open. On the left page was taped a note.

_Spain, I haz your litten Italian! Come at Midnight or I will make him mon own! - France_

Spain's happy demeanor dropped as he frowned down at the note. He had, had problems in the past with France trying to take Romano, but he was sure the Frenchman had learned his lesson; it would seem not. He tore the note out of the magazine and set it back in it's proper place. He shoved the note into his pocket and went to find his axe. It had been a while since he had needed to use it, and even longer since he had needed to use it on France.

_**England's House:**_

"STUPID TEA DRINKING BASTARD! LET ME OUT OF HERE!" A closet door was hammered on as a small tomato loving Italian slammed his weight against it, trying to escape the tight space. "Oh shssh! Stop making so much racket! I will let you as soon as Spain kills the Frog!" The noises stopped as Romano thought about this. "Let me out and I won't try to run away." England thought over it and gave up. He let the pissed Italian out of the closet, though he soon enough regretted it. "Where's your kitchen you bastard?"

"Down the hall." Romano stomped away, planning on finding the only edible things in the Englishman's kitchen and make some pasta for himself. Then he would trash the kitchen as revenge for locking him in a closet.

_**France's House: **_

"Non! Don't put the bed there!" France frantically waved his hands around, trying to direct America on where to put his couch. Said American had been at this for hours and it was beginning to wear on his nerves. He couldn't believe how much more nagging France did than England when it came to redecorating.

"There! That's perfect!" America sighed with relief and collapsed onto the couch. "Dude, you really are too picky..."

"I am not 'picky', I am artistic!" France put one hand to his chest while the other one help his clipboard. America rolled his eyes and was about to respond when he heard a knock on the door. He shut his mouth quickly his heart pounding as France went to answer it. He quickly set up a small camera and went over to the window opening it. America looked back as soon as France opened the door and jumped.

"Bonjour Spain~! What do I owe the pleasure for having you come visit me-" Once again France was cut off, but isn't he always? Spain buried his axe deep into the Frenchman's head. The blade was still sharp and cut through it cleanly, leaving blood to run down the blade as France's body hit the floor.

_**England's House:**_

"That's so fucking stupid." Romano commented while eating some of his pasta. He looked over England's shoulder along with America as the Brit cleaned up and edited the video. "I say we drop him out of a plane near Spain's house." America whispered in his ear.

"That's not very 'heroic' of you."

"Come on dude! He's annoying!"

"I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE YOU BASTARDO!"

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**Mew? Good, bad? Pasta? Reviews are liked, flames are to be feed to Flying Mint Bunny.**


	43. Rabid Dogs are a no-no

**I AM BACK! I AM BACK! ^.^ AT LEAST I HOPE I AM BACK! I am so sorry about not updating in what seems like forever! I have been really busy with high school and such T^T I am updating now, so please do not kill me if this chapter kind of sucks, and for all that waiting too... I will be updating the rest of my fics, because I really need to finish 'Operation Kissing Better' and 'Crying Tears, Maybe Blood' may be updated... :P I also will have some more one-shots based off of my weird high school life. Do not fear! We also now have an Iggy~ :D Enough of me talking and on to the fic~**

**Warning(s): Character death (This joke is still funny!), angry neighbors, and my OC almost going over the fence to her certain death T_T'**

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**43.) have France running from them again only he trys to jump a fence with a rabid dogs on the other side (HetaliaLover123)**

_**France's House:**_

SLAM! France slammed the door shut and ran to his room, escaping out the fire exit. The last time he had Nekcat at the door he was mentally scarred for weeks, not to mention his skin ached in several places whenever the female nation was mentioned. While climbing down the ladder outside his window he heard a large crash as his door was broken down. In that instant a few broken bones seemed like such a better option than being captured, so he jumped off to the ground.

He landed with a grunt and was up to his feet in a few seconds, having not broke anything.

Nekcat really didn't want to follow him, she was quite frankly rather getting sick of chasing after the stupid Frenchman, but she still had a few favors to pay back. So, against her better judgement she followed said Frenchman out of the window.

The pounding of feet behind France confirmed what he had been hoping against. Nekcat was following him. Normally he would not mind being chased by a girl, but the female species was becoming more dangerous as of late.

_**The Neighbor A Few Fences Away From Where France Is Running:**_

Mr. Lolz looked through his binoculars watching the man, Francis, run through the yards of his near-by neighbors. For too many times now he has had to deal with the other ruining his beautiful flowers by trampling them in his haste. But not this time, he swore after picking up his roses that he would never let it happen again! After weeks of planning he had finally come up with the perfect plan to keep the Frenchman out of his flowers.

_**Back With Said Fleeing Frenchman:**_

France was almost away from Nekcat, he just had two more fences to go and he would be safe. He jumped over Mr. Lolz fence and was about to make a break for it across the yard when five dogs with foaming mouths surrounded him. "Ah, nice pups...?"

As France was being ripped to shreds he saw that Mr. Lolz was sitting on his porch with a glass of wine and was watching the show. He quickly made a mental note to make a new escape path that did not involve the others yard.

_**With The Oblivious Nekcat: **_

Nekcat was a few fences behind when she saw France going over a fence and not reappearing on the other side. Instead of being smart and turning around, she decided to go over the fence and see where he might have escaped to. She was half-way over the fence when a dog with rather sharp teeth almost nom'ed off half of her ankle.

Now spending most of her life around a cat had taught Nekcat two important things about dogs. 1.) Dogs are not cute, they are evil vicious creatures that will rip your soul apart if you give them the chance (true story bro) and 2.) If a vicious dog is coming at you, get the hell out of dodge.

So, following the two major laws of surviving dogs, she quickly scrambled back over her side of the fence. Nekcat sat trembling lightly with her back to the fence, swearing that she would rather tap-dance with bears than ever help America again. Still shaking she took out her cellphone and dialed said American's number.

_**Iggy's House:**_

America wasn't sure when England had, had the time to build a surveillance room in his house. All he knew was that it was cool, super-high tech, and he wasn't allowed to touch a single thing in the room. Said boring-snobbish English 'gentleman' was trying to keep a box of live cobras from biting him as he struggled to close the lid after the curious America had opened it. "Why in the name of all that is tea am I doing this!?"

A cellphone rang and England cursed as a cobra almost bit his finger off. "Answer your bloody phone you wanker!" He managed to shove the cobras back into the box and seal it with masking tape. Triumphant, but tired he settled back in his chair as America hung up his phone. "What was that all about?"

"We might have a minor problem, dude."

"What are you talking about when you say 'minor problem'?"

"Apparently, one of France's neighbors has rabid dogs in his backyard."

"And?"

"They kind of ripped France to shreds."

"...What the bloody hell are we supposed to do with these cobras then!?"

"No worries Captain Caterpillar! I have an idea!"

"..."

"Also, Nekcat says she is not helping us anymore as a hazard to her own health..."

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**So children, what have we learned today that will keep us safe? **

**1. Do not trample your neighbors flowers.  
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**2. Jumping fences was a bad way to begin with.  
**

**3. Relocate to a different area if your neighbor even looks at you funny.  
**

**4. Nekcat is terrified of dogs.  
**

**:3 Hope you all enjoyed the latest chapter! Reviews are very much loved by this author~  
**


	44. Ninja-Snake!

**Yes, America did have an idea and it is linked to this chapter~ I hope everyone enjoys. ^ ^ It is nice to be back~**

**Warning(s): Live Cobras, and more than one persons death. **

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**44.) have them put king cobras in Frances hiding place (HetaliaLover123)**

_**Outside France's Window:**_

"Hold on Iggy!"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM DOING YOU GIT!?"

"Shush! He might hear you dude!"

"France hearing us a little less important than living!"

_**France's Living Space a Few Minutes Earlier:**_

"Careful! Don't drop the box, you might irritate the snakes!"

"Don't worry Iggy! I'm the Hero! I got this, bra!" America did his 'hero pose' resting the box of poisoness cobras on his hip. Said box shook as it tried to bite him, America dropped the box making it hiss at them violently. "Now you've done it!"

"Hahahaha..."

"Just put it into the linen closet so we can leave!"

"..."

"...Just pick it up!"

"It might bite me!"

"THAT ISN'T MY FAULT! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DROPPED THEM WHEN I SAID TO BE CAREFUL!"

"Sheesh, sheesh! No need to yell so much Iggy!"

"AND STOP CALLING ME IGGY!" America winced in pain and picked up the angry, vicious, hissing box of death. Amused to no end by their furious hissing, he shook the box up some more. "STOP THAT!" Pouting he quickly tore off the duct tape and threw it into the linen closet, slamming the door behind it. "There!"

Both of them stiffened when they heard a key in the lock. "Bloody Hell! We need to leave now!"

"But we need to capture his death on tape!"

"There is a camera in the closet!"

"..."

"STOP GIVING ME THAT LOOK! I AM NOT A PERVERT!" America hero laughed and dragged England out the window to the fire-escape, so they could have a front-row seat to France's death. Unfortunately, when Nekcat had gone down it in the previous chapter she had broken the ring-things attaching it to the wall. "...Brilliant."

_**Current Time With** **France:**_

So, that is how England and America ended up outside France's window with America holding onto the edge for dear life, and his British companion hanging onto the self proclaimed hero.

France finally escaped from the rabid dogs after being killed a few times by them, his neighbor watching in uncontrollable glee. It was going to be a while before he was ever going to be able to look at another dog the same way again. Sighing he resigned himself to spending another night in his closet of safety.

France went over to his bed and picked up a pillow before returning to his closet. As soon as he opened the door he was pounced on by fifty or so snakes all biting him in rapid secession. He was going to attempt to run away, but his body's muscles seized up betraying him and he fell to his knees, swaying for a few seconds then falling onto his face.

His breathing was slowed and his heart was beating weakly, he could almost hear the voices of his death-bringers cheering as they started to burrow into his skin. Turning him into a apartment complex for snaky parties or whatever the hell young snakes get up to. He was actually rather curious as to what snakes did when they were alone and away from humans, maybe they limbo-ed and drank stolen beer out of cups made from dead mice.

His heart gave a few slowed desperate pumps before quieting.

_**Back Outside the Window:**_

"Dude! It worked! It totally worked!"

"Fan-bloody-tastic! Now pull us up you git!" There was no response and he felt the muscles under America's shirt become stiff. A wayward snake had seen America's fingers and thought 'food' before slithering over like the stealthy ninja-snake he is. He leaned up and bit America's hand delighted when the muscles stiffened, but not so much when his prey's fingers scooted backwards, no longer able to hold up all the weight on them.

The ninja-snake watched with slitted disappointed eyes as his prey and the other guy fell from the ledge, the fatter of the two landing on the smaller one with a interesting crunching noise. Our dear Ninja-snake's tongue flicked out to search for more prey, finding none it slithered off with a snaky sigh.

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**:3 **


	45. Does this coat make me look French?

**'Ello everyone~ ^ ^ I have been so busy with High School, so it has been a miracle I am back! :D We are scheduling for next year and I am having mostly honors (sadly I am not able to take Algebra 2 Honors, because I have to take bloody Geometry... TT^TT) Anyway~ Back to what you all came to read!  
**

**Warning(s): 2p!Canada (because you never said it had to be a normal Canada!), 2p!Kuma, and graphic death scene~**

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**45.) have them ask Canada for some poler bears and release them in Frances house (HetaliaLover123)**

_**The 2p!Universe, Canada's House:**_

"Let me get this straight, you hosers want to use my bears to kill the France in your universe?" 2p!Canada stood in front of the two Men in Black (Iggy and Amerika), his arms crossed as he leaned against a very vicious looking Mr. Kumajirou. "Y-yes. In a manner of speaking..." America was trembling and hiding behind England, not caring if it made him look like less than a hero. That bear was eying him like he was a tasty treat! People do not just simply eat the hero! "Fine, but it will cost ya!"

"Of course! How much do you want?" England reached for his checkbook, not all that really intimidated by the polar bear, it was his master that was worrying the English 'gentleman'. "I do not want money." England was worried before, now he was nervous.

"I'll come for my favor when I need it. Come on Kumajirou, go dress a Frenchman."

"Thank you..." England hurried back through his portal, America darting after him as the large polar bear followed behind them.

Once back in their own dimension they set to work getting 2p!Kumajirou on a flight to France, with a few problems (he ate America) England finally got the huge brute on a plane and shipped him off to the Frog's place of residence.

_**Said Frenchmans's Place of Residence:**_

France was taking a relaxing bath, trying to clear his mind from his troubles in the past few days. He had made sure to buy new shampoos just to make sure the Men in Black had not poisoned any of the old ones. He also made sure to check the drain for any lurching sea creatures. Finding none, he ran the bath and put in some of the bath salts (not the drug) before slipping in. Sighing at the elegant rose smell, the bath seemed to be doing the its job as he felt his muscles become loose. With his mind cleared of fear he started piecing together the clues he had of the Men in Black in his head.

He didn't have much, only the small snippet of song he had heard the one guy singing, and that they somehow knew Nekcat. the last part didn't surprise France though, because the female country was pretty morbid. He shivered and thought about putting out an embargo on her country so that he could avoid all contact with the bloody nation.

There was a knocking on the door and he groaned slightly, not wanting to see anyone at the moment, he was not in the mood to be killed once again. ((**Too bad. :P **)) He settled back into the bath and ignored the insistent knocking, that is until he heard the familiar crash of his door being broken down. Sensing the danger right away he jumped out of the bath and grabbed his robe, but not before a giant white ball of pure evil-fluffiness crashed into him.

He grappled with his rather large tormenter as he begged in French and tried to throw it off of him. Sadly ((**eh? How?**)), his body was too relaxed from the bath and the polar bear ripped through his chest, splattering the red liquid all over said polar bears fur and the walls.

Licking his muzzle, Mr. Kumajirou sat back on his haunches and observed the Frenchman's body before him. He might as well not let it go to waste, since he was still full from eating the plump American ((**America: ADMIN! TT^TT**)). He took a claw and began delicately cutting open France from his throat down to his stomach. Then he reached a paw inside and pulled out the organs, making sure to pull out the muscles and bones, it was a lot like a person hallowing out a pumpkin for All Hallow's Eve.

Satisfied with his work, he dipped the inside-less Frenchie into the bath, washing away any remaining blood and insides. Happily he dried his new skin off and brushed the hair of the corpse getting rid of any knots. Then he tried on the new skin, wearing it first as a coat and then as a scarf.

Unsatisfied, Mr. Kumajirou huffed an angry polar bear sigh, setting down the skin. It was too flimsy and was likely to tear in any real wind, so he folded it up nicely. He then pulled the plug out of the tub, draining it before padding out of the bathroom flicking off the lights.

He carefully adjusted the door which he had broken to get inside and continued on his way. He would have to ask the English person to send him home before he ate him.

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**I am not sure this was what the other was asking for :3 But I thought it was actually kind of amusing to imagine a 2p!Kumajirou slicing into France and turning him into a coat like most people do to poliar beer skins XD Hope you enjoyed~ Reviews are liked, but remember children~ flames are not liked and will be torn apart and made into a coat for Mr. Kumajirou~**


	46. Panda Rape

**With this one I really have no idea what to say...other than France is much worse of a sick f*cker than I thought~ ^ ^**

**Warning(s): Angry Old Chinese Man, Angry China, and (possible?) Panda Rape. **

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**46.) have them tell China that France raped his panda (HetaliaLover123)**

_**China's House:**_

"Panda? Where are you, aru?" China looked for his beloved Panda, worrying that Russia had managed to kidnap the poor bear again. Fortunately, he was able to find the panda bear, the poor creature shivering in a corner. "What is wrong Panda, aru?"

His panda didn't respond ((**let us hope he was not expecting him to...**)), not like he thought he would, ((**Oh good, he has not succumbed to the madness yet ^ ^**)) just continued to shiver. There was a small note attached to the trembling bear. Concerned he picked it up and scanned it with a raised eyebrow, a look of horror soon consumed his whole face and he slapped a hand over his mouth in a feminine way. ((China: AUTHOR ARU! **F-S: Not even sorry~!**))

_**Note: Your panda has been raped by myself, none other than France. France, that is I. - France (the guy who raped you panda)**_

Grabbing his wok, China was experiencing a strange sense of deja vu as he rushed out of his house, his hips swishing, determined to have revenge for his violated Panda.

Russia gasped for air, feeling over-heated from being in the panda suit too long. He grabbed his cell phone and called the annoying American.

"_Yo~! Russia dude! Is he on his way to France's house?_"

"Da, now give me my clothes and scarf back, Amerika."

"_Hm. Maybe next time Commie~ This is payback for you violating me more than once!_" Than he hung up, Russia thought it was a little rude calling him a Commie and then exclaiming that he had violated him. Sighing he put back on the panda head reluctantly and walked out of China's house. He would need to retrieve China's real panda from Ukraine.

_**Iggy's House:**_

"Was that Russia?"

"Yep~! Sure was!"

"Has it ever occurred to you that he will kill your arse once he has his clothing back?"

"Not really. I mean, I am the Hero after all and the Hero always wins." America wrapped and unwrapped Russia's scarf around his neck, finally deciding on just leaving it wrapped around loosely. He turned back to the screens, the one in the corner showed France as he took a shower. "Are you sure that you are not just using this as an excuse to watch France in his personal moments?" America laughed as he dived to the floor, narrowly avoiding hitting the vase that smashed into one of the screens. Making it explode and catch fire.

"BLOODY HELL! LOOK WHAT YOU DID YOU, GIT!"

"YO! I wasn't the one throwing shit!"

_**Outside France's House:**_

"I am not sure killing France is such a good idea in today's modern age aru. It is not like I can not be tracked and if a human finds France's body this could be a problem for me aru. My boss would kill me aru... I wonder how cheap hired killing is today, aru? Maybe Switzerland will aru, but what happens if he says no and tells my boss aru? It would be better just to kill France and lock the door behind me aru."

_**Fast Forwarding A Few Minutes:**_

China supposed his aim was getting worse in his old age, because he has managed to hit France everywhere, but his head. When he did manage to smash France's head in, he has splattered blood all over his person, because he had hit with the wrong side. "I might need glasses, aru..." Wiping himself off as best as he could with a towel, he shut off the lights and locked the door behind himself as he left France's house.

_**Iggy's House:**_

"AW! DUDE! You made me miss France dying!"

"There is a rewind button on the tapes!"

"Tapes? Someone is behind the times."

"..." England breathed in deeply and tried to calm himself like his therapist had instructed him to do when he gets angry. He actually is quite angry with Nekcat that she had let it slip to his boss that he had been a temporary cannibal. Now that he stops to think about it she probably did it on purpose to get revenge for something or another. "Yo~! Iggy~? Earth to Iggy~!" Unfortunately for England, his deep breathing did him little good when America flicked him on the forehead to get his attention. He snapped and started strangling the other, not that it was too hard for the other to throw him off. "DUDE! STOP TRYING TO KILL ME ALREADY!"

It seemed that him going to a therapist was not actually working, because the little part of him that was still a cannibal managed to grab control of his senses and he blacked out.

_**In a Therapist's Office:  
**_

"Hello?"

"_It's me..._"

"Hello Mr. Kirkland, how are you doing?"

"_We might have been set back a while..._"

"Why now?"

"_I ate America..._"

"..."

"_Hello? You still there?_"

* * *

**Nope, nope, nope. I am not even sorry~!  
**


	47. Canada may be evil, eh

**Forever-Slow-Updater. TT^TT I need to change mein name to that...  
**

**Warning(s): Quicksand, several dying countries, and sockmonkeys.**

* * *

**47.) Death by quicksand (Sockmonkey888)**

_**The Middle of a Jungle:**_

"So, why are we here again, aru?"

"Our bosses said we needed better relations between us, dude! My boss made an awesome decision by putting me, the HERO, in charge!"

"Perhaps, we would have better relations if you were not such a wanker and stopped taunting Russia."

"Not my fault the commie makes it so easy!"

"kolkolkolkol...what was that about 'making it easy', Amerika?"

"Dude! You are so worked up already!"

"Ohonhonhon~ One can smell the sexual tension, oui~?"

"Shut up, Frog!"

"Black sheep~ Black sheep~!"

"I AM GOING TO RIP YOUR INSIDES OUT!"

"Ah, ah~! Remember what your therapist said~!"

"Yeah, aru! I do not want you eating me, aru!"

"I'M NOT GOING TO EAT ANYONE!"

"Could have fooled us, da?"

"Oh shut up commie. If he says he won't eat us, he probably won't."

"Kolkolkolkol...I am not longer a communist, da? I will make you pay for your slanders dearly..."

"You can kiss my white free ass, commie! Just remember who is holding your precious scarf!"

"I know this, you have tainted it with your fat grease."

"HEY!"

"Will you all kindly shut up?! I thought I heard something behind us..."

"..."

"..."

"...Is it a bear, aru? Maybe it is Panda?"

"Dude, why would your weird multi-raced bear be in the middle of a forest?"

"ROAR!"

"AHHHHH! GHOST!"

"Ghosts don't roar America! Get back here you, git!"

"I am not sticking around to be eaten by a bear, aru!"

"I am too beautiful to die this way!"

"America, France, China! Get your arses back here!"

"..."

"America? Frog? China? Their tracks stop right here, did they go into the trees? I called them monkeys before, but this is bloo-AH!"

"Now that my revenge is done, let's go home and eat some pancakes."

"Who?"

"Canada..."

"Oh pryvet Matthew~"

"Eh!? Russia!?"

"Da. Where are the others? They ran off in such a hurry~!"

"I don't know...their tracks stop right here..."

"That is strange."

"Hey Russia..."

"Da, Matthew?"

"Step a little this way, eh?"

"Here?"

"Oui."

* * *

**Did anyone see the ending coming? Probably not, neither did I ^ ^' **


End file.
